I am sure there are lots of you younger ones out there but surely there must be someone having to deal with an aging parent. My dad is 86 and has been totally independant and has just last week lost his drivers liscense. Well, it is unbelievable how this changes your life. He lives in a basement suite by himself, not on a busline. I am now panicking over how to deal with this. I think that it just hits you over the head with a hammer..........now I am concerned about his meals and how well he eats. Before he always had his cereal at home for breakfast, went out for a big lunch and could have a small something at home in the evening. We are planning to go away on a trip in a month and I am totally concerned over how he will manage.
I guess we all know that this time will come but want to stick our head in the sand and not deal with it..................
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Well just in case this was in the 266 characters you had to edit I'll mention it since the post reminded me of it with all the good tips.
There is a system here that probably everyone should use, not just seniors. My mom had a piece of paper that she got from her doctor (and her home care worker had them available too). it was filled in by the doctor and contained all her important medical info, prescription info, family contacts, doctor's name, insurance numbers, allergies, etc. the paper was rolled and kept in a plastic tube in the fridge door. The EMT's here know to look in the fridge door so could just grab it vs trying to figure out where they might find what they need. This tube was extremely useful when my mom was taken to hospital by ambulance or by me or my brother.
Sometimes, no matter how clear headed we hoped to be, we forgot something that was on that list, so it's a nice safety net to have. It also covered the EMT's if one of her prescriptions was not filled as the doctor would still know about it even if there was no pill bottle brought in. Most of all it's a real comfort to know the doctors had everything if none of us were around and if my mom was confused.
Believe it or not, that was longer!!!!
Apparently you can only post 10000 characters, I had to edit 266 characters, which of course makes it harder to read.
I have copied this post from another board. This woman and her husband live with her 99yr old grandmother. Gramma is a riot and her granddaughter is an angel. It's long but very useful as our parents/grandparents age.
Identifying details edited.
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My own personal tips (not that I am an expert at all - this is just what has worked for us.)
* Have your contact number in an easy to see place. Also include other key numbers.
* Take notes whenever you go to a doctor's appointment, dentist, etc. Put all of your notes and medical information for the parent/grandparent in a file folder that you can bring with you. This has helped us numerous times when we were at a doctor's appointment or had to go to a walk in. Keep a list of current medications readily available too.
* If you have a personal caregiver or support worker that is with the individual when you are not there, have them write down what goes on during the day. It is helpful to go through it when you get home. It also keeps you in the loop and will help you at medical appointments.
* If there is a certain routine that you would like the caregiver to use also write that down so it can be referenced on an as needed basis. Everyone has different caregiving styles and this will ensure that the key points that are important to you are being met.
* If there are memory issues/Alzheimers/dementia, I found it really helpful to take a picture of Gramma with each of the different caregivers (we use the same three). It reminded her that she DID know them and that it was okay. I put their names on the paper and every morning leave the picture out along with a note saying something like "Gramma - today is Monday and V is here with you. She is very nice and you like her. M and J will be home at 6:00 and they will make dinner for everyone. Love, your granddaughter J" (I'm all for reinforcing positives and reminding her that she likes them.)
* Leave a piece of paper that has key information on it that the parent/grandparent can read throughout the day. This is helpful when there is confusion.
I include things like
- You live here at 1234 Blah Road #1206.
- Your granddaughter J and M live here with you too.
- Your son J and wife D live in California
* Keep family members informed as they may not see the individual as much as you do. The aging process and all the fun things that go along with it can be a shock to some when they only see someone intermittently.
* Form a good relationship with the caregivers. Know that they will offer advice but that it is up to you to take it or leave it. Also know that behavioural changes that occur may impact the caregiver almost as much as you as they too have formed a relationship with the parent/grandparent.
* Use your support networks - be it friends, family, whatever. It helps to get things off your chest and prevents breakdowns. Aging is not easy to watch as there is no control over what happens.
* If your parent/grandparent is really confused/agitated etc - there is no point in arguing with them. It will only make emotions escalate and the situation worse. (This one took me awhile to learn.)
* There will be a point in time that the parent/grandparent will essentially no longer be able to bathe or dress themselves and may require bathroom help. Understand how this may be very embarrassing this may be for them initially. You need to also determine what your comfort level is with this. For instance - M is great with Gramma but is not comfortable doing anything bathroom or getting dressed related. Respect different comfort levels.
* Find the humour in situations. There are many - see my blog.
* There are a TON of different types of adult diapers on the market. Here is what we use and have found effective for Little Miss Pees-A-Lot.
Daytime:
- Poise ultra absorbent pads - pink packaging.
- Depends pull up underwear style super absorbent pads with two tabs
Nighttime:
- Tena Super Absorbent Nighttime pads -
- Depends diaper style absorbent pads with three tabs
Creams:
Gramma's bum is really sensitive so we use barriere cream which is in a pink and white tube. I find it is the only thing that works on her.
Other products/things we use:
-Baby powder - Gramma doesn't wear deodorant so I put this in her pits. (And now I guess they are fresh as a baby's bum.
-Polident tabs for her partial dentures.
-We have her bed pushed up against the wall and then a bed railing on the other side of the bed. We also have her wheelchair locked at the foot of the bed to prevent her sneaking out of bed.
-We have a gel cushion for her wheelchair too to prevent soreness from sitting too long. (We also try to get her to use her walker with assistance.)
-We had a bike horn that we kept next to her bed and would move next to the couch when she napped. We left it there with a note saying "Do not get out of bed by yourself. Honk when you are awake and we will come get you."
For Long Term Care Facilities
Visit the residence you are evaluating, together with your elderly relative, if possible. The purpose of this checklist is to help evaluate or compare different residences. The checklist contains items which experts have agreed are important indicators of a healthy, stimulating "climate" for the elderly.
____Is there a doctor who visits the residence regularly and is available for emergencies?
____Are there medical and other health specialists who will visit residents to treat dental, eye, speech, foot and other physical problems?
____Are there activity rooms for recreation?
____Are there private spaces for visits with family and friends?
____Are there opportunities to eat meals together with friends and family?
____Are there nurses on site around the clock?
____Are the hallways and dining room free of unpleasant odors?
____Is there enough food?
____Do residents appear happy and interested in what they are doing?
____Are the facilities well-equipped for access and safety (handrails, ramps, brightly lit doorways, fire sprinklers, etc.)?
____Is medical treatment carefully explained to residents before being given to them?
____Can the rooms be decorated (and at least partly furnished) by their occupants?
____Can residents freely decide on how to spend their time?
____Are there regular, organized activities and trips in which your relative can participate?
____Do residents appear alert and aware of what is going on around them?
____Are appropriate religious services available in or near the residence?
____Are the staff friendly and cheerful?
____Do the staff act with respect and caring towards the residents?
____Is there adequate shopping nearby?
____Can residents find places to be by themselves if they wish?
____Are family members involved in planning for the resident?
____Are the residents themselves involved in decision-making about the facility (e.g. residents council)?
____If residents are confused or bed-ridden, are there still efforts to involve them in activities?
____Are you allowed and encouraged to speak with staff and other residents about the facility?
____Are there clear, written complaint procedures?
For Personal Caregivers (ie Grammasitters)
Caregivers include doctors, nurses, social workers, family counsellors, physiotherapists, speech therapists, homemakers, and others. They also include social and community agencies and health care facilities. Naturally, any professional caregiver should have the proper credentials, education, training and experience to deliver quality care. Ask about their background. Any professional will be happy to explain their qualifications. In addition, answering the following checklist items can help you decide whether the service or care being delivered is of high quality. The checklist may also help you to select a service when there is a choice.
____The caregiver asks about and notices what the elderly person CAN do independently, in other words, without help.
____The caregiver shows interest in knowing about the elderly person's past and who was and is important in their life.
____The caregiver talks to the elderly person as one adult to another, not as if they are talking to a child.
____Whenever possible and practical, the caregiver offers choices about how, what and when care will be provided.
____The caregiver explains to the elderly person what they are going to do for them and why it is needed.
____The caregiver involves members of the family in decision-making.
____The caregiver recognizes and shows respect for the religious and ethnic customs and practices of the elderly person.
____The caregiver explains his/her work in layman's terms and avoids using technical terms and jargon.
____Whenever possible, the caregiver plans and delivers care at times and places which don't disrupt the elderly person's usual daily routines.
____If more than one person is involved in giving care, there is one individual who is in overall charge of coordinating the service to the elderly person.
____The caregiver tries to help the elderly person become as independent and self-sufficient as possible.
____There is a clear procedure to follow in case of complaints about the service.
____There are regular, reasonable hours when the caregiver or their employer can be reached to discuss questions or problems.
____The caregiver asks for a detailed record of the elderly person's needs, handicaps and past care before starting service.
____The elderly person is asked what they liked and did not like about past care.
____The caregiver has some method for keeping track of and recording the elderly person's progress, for example, notes and written reports.
____The caregiver acts as if the elderly person's behavior makes sense and serves a purpose, even when that purpose may be difficult to understand.
I'm sorry this is so long - I will add more if I think of anything else.
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I think everyone should read dor1949's response. I don't think that our elderly family should be shouldered off for others to care for. It's not always in their best interest! I know from looking around after my uncles stroke....those homes cost alot of money...and in some cases the care was suspect! Are all places like that....absolutely not! but when you have to narrow down a home based on location, price, and the medical conditions of others you can sometimes leave yourself very little...if anything...to choose from. For example....am I going to send my 67 year old Uncle to live with a group of 85+ (avg) year old women to play lawn bowling? What does he have in common with these ladies? One home we visited had a questionably low rate and the care was questionable...I'd rather he be home with me. I can show him how to make himself a meal, I can help him with his finances, he can help me with the laundry etc., he may not be able to drive but he is certainly capable of walking into town (like I do and my son does) and he can pick up what groceries or sundries he thinks he requires....anything large he can wait until the weekend when we do our large grocery shop trip into town. We're currently waiting to hear back from my mother how her latest scan went...god forbid anything should come back positive...but if it does...I'll have a bed ready and waiting for her when and if the time should come. The way I look at it she spent a good portion of her life raising me the least I can do is give her a helping hand in return. And for the record I have a young son and a husband and they both agree that taking my uncle in was the right thing to do. Now before everyone gets their knickers into a knot....I will acknowledge that this solution isn't for everyone. Some people require much more care, that family members just aren't trained for....
I can't thank you all enough for all of your advice. No, living with us is not really an option, it was just such a shock for him all of a sudden to be stuck home and no real means to get out that I felt that is what I had to do for immediate help. He lives in a suite in a home in a cul de sac and it is too far for him to walk to a bus. So, yes things are going to have to change. He has been so totally independant this is a very significant blow. You are all right, he lost his license nothing else, but along with that comes his independance due to his living situation.
I did talk to his care manager today and we are arranging for another assessment of him.
The place that we looked at yesterday I think would work very well for him as he would have his own suite but yet someone to check in on him if needed. He could also have the one hot meal a day if he chose to. It would certainly put my mind at rest. It is also only two blocks away from the grocery store that he likes to shop at. It is in a much handier area.
He has a lady friend that is only 60ish that he takes for lunch a couple of times a week, so this certainly is a blow to him.
DBD you have such good advice, having been through this.
Thanks again all of you.
Yes,
Emily - I think DBD has given you some great advice. Having a parent move into your home isn't just about you and your dad. You have a spouse and yourself to consider - first. Sometimes there other children in the home. Unfortunately I've heard many more negagtive stories of bringing home the aging parent. Think very carefully before you do anything.
I think every parent should consider this problem and discuss it wtih their children while they are teenagers. We've made it very clear that once our children are adults we expect them to look after themselves nor do we want them to expect that we will be part of their homes later. At each stage in our lives we have different needs and we have made moves to accomodate these. At some point in the next decade or two we plan to move to an apartment that is in walking distance to our needs or future needs. After that it may be assisted living. A senior's home can be very positive if you choose the right one. Every place is what you make it and the attitude you bring to it.
Emily - If one isn't right for your father, then try another. He has changed his independent attituded in a matter of a couple of weeks. With the correct guidance I believe you can find one he likes.
I had to make a personal decision about a parent's driving ability. After hearing in a very nice way that my parent was "tearing up the street" or "I wondered if he would make it home safely", I had to take action. I couldn't live with myself if this parent harmed someone else while driving. Even if your father gets his licence back, there will come another time he must give it up. Perhaps it would be best to have the professionals work on having him accept this.
my MIL and DH and I made a conscious decision about 4 years ago to pool our financial resources and rented a townhouse together - we had all been renting poky apartments, and that way we got a much bigger place, better neighbourhood, bit of garden and a host of other things that we never would have got in an apartment (including a basement !) Well, she had just been laid off, had worked fro government in one form or another most of her life, had been on contract, was close to retiring etc. etc. etc., and her contract was not renewed. She recently turned 65, and has been steadily going downhill, she has health problems (has had fibromyalgia for years, but it never stopped her before) to the stage now where she has to be asked to dust something in the house; she gets her own breakfast (cereal), lunch (a bagel or sandwich) all her suppers are cooked, table set and cleared, her laundry done, dishes washed, all housework done (except her rooms) etc. etc. etc., and she is getting more and more dependent; yes, she has just turned 65, and my father, who had a double stent put in his heart this year, is way more active than she is - he does more in a day than she does in a month !!!!!!
Anyway, that is my rant for the day, and my tale of caution, Emily - don't let your father take advantage of the situation
My Dad had emphysema, was on oxygen full-time and his doctor said he couldn't live by himself any longer. At 81, he was still quite lucid, but very independant and moved into a nursing home/retirement facility in a large city. Within two weeks, my very capable father was willing himself to die. He felt he was treated like a child, being told when to eat, etc. etc.so I went to see for myself; he was lying on top of his bed, fully dressed and shaking all over; it broke my heart to see him like that. Without a minute of hesitation, I offered to bring him to live many hours away with my husband and myself and one grown son still living at home. It was the best thing I could do; I eliminated the worry about how he was being taken care of and I got to spend four years of QUALITY time with my Dad. The local CCAC were invaluable; I had respite three times a week so I could get out and have a homemaker take care of him. She changed his bedding, helped him bathe and did the odd cleaning job for me too...we also had nursing twice a week, physio etc. etc. Sunday mornings, my son would stay with his grandfather and my husband and I went out for breakfast and then picked up groceries etc. The local pharmacy delivered anything we needed anytime we needed it. We gave Dad our room which was on the main floor and had it's own bathroom. Dad became part of our family and I must say, really enjoyed our pets too, the cat especially, who took up permanent residence with his new "roommate" gave him many happy moments. Dad died after four years and I was with him throughout it all....it wasn't easy, but, I couldn't have imagined doing it any other way. Good luck with your Dad; cherish his final years.
I was going to post and then read DBD's post ansd she has said it all.
He definately has to have a "needs" assessment done. I would call you local CCAC. They will send someone out to his apt. to assess all his needs.
This indepenent man lost his license, not his mind and all of a sudden he is totally dependent living in your home. The "old people" are his peers, but let the CCAC, his doctor or whatever resource is in your area handle the situation.It may be a good idea to speak to his Dr. yourself. Do not set yourself up like this.............
You really do need to speak with a homecare worker or someone who understands seniors. I am afraid you are setting yourself up for a very bad fall.
I thought the problem was your dad losing his license and suddenly you are doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, and pretty much running his house....what does that have to do with his license?
When my dad died in the 90's I spoke with a social worker who warned me that I was going to have to learn to say 'no' to my mother. What she explained is for many seniors, once they have someone start 'taking care' of them, they become more and more needy. With every loss they suffer (in your case your dads ability to drive himself) they start to become more and more dependent even beyond what is reasonable for the loss they suffered.
I saw this so clearly after being the only kid around for quite awhile. I learned to say no to a lot of requests I knew she could take care of on her own and things were okay. Then my brother moved back to town. I gave him the speach, but he got sucked right in. Within a month or two my mom became absolutely incapable of changing a lightbulb, shopping, figuring out her bills, you name it. It started with just liking the attention then became laziness to feeling she just wasn't capable. I could have strangled my brother because as fast as he'd come in and undid everything with his 'good son' act, he wasn't very good at easing her out of it again. So it took way longer to get her back to having the confidence to do things on her own again and it was a real struggle as she laid on the guilt and manipulations. Luckily I had some people around who could bolster me with the warnings of what she would try and those senior's workers really know their stuff.
So, it looks to me like you offered up the meals he might be missing and somehow you are now doing the his housework, keeping him entertained, and generally meeting a whole bunch of needs that have nothing to do with driving. He loses his license and now he's at your house for days on end?
It probably doesn't get better than that for him. He has all his needs taken care of, way more company than he used to have, and basically it sounds like a pretty good set up. Why would he give that up?
He may even state clearly that he doesn't like anyone taking care of him, but he will keep asking for more and more as he gets used to it and loses his confidence in his ability to do things on his own.
As for your responsibility, my motto is the child is responsible for ensuring the parent is cared for, not caring for them. Unless you are a health care worker of some description, you aren't trained for a lot of the care needed. Unless you are a equipped for special needs, you can't provide that. You can make sure he has those things though.
If I were you, I'd find out who arranged that bath visit and tell them his situation has changed and that you feel he requires a new needs assessment. You might also ask if they have some way to convince him about the benefits of moving to a senior's apt.
Letting him get away with the 'old people' thing was a nice easy out for him, but this is his peer group. My mom had the same issues but the sales folks at the apt had a way of presenting it that came across very positively. You need to find those techniques.
It really is helpful to have a third person who understands seniors, their needs, and what's available to speak with him. Often they can work things out so it works for everyone when a child trying to do it just isn't going to have the same effect. You both would do a lot better probably if you handed it off to a professional. That also takes any good guy/bad guy issues off of you.
Meanwhile, you might remind your hubby that if he doesn't like being around old people he had better get on board and support your efforts or that is exactly what he will be around when you dad moves in with you.
Hi everyone, you have all been so helpful.
I am mentally drained, I have had dad here with us for the past week, I have a very busy life. I am not used to waiting on someone hand and foot, breakfast, lunch, dinner. Anyways, I do appreciate all of your input. I took dad home today for a few days, has his bath tomorrow and has a driving lesson on Friday. We went today to look at a place, they must be totally self sufficient, have their own small suite and are able to go down for one hot meal a day at lunch for the extra cost of $5.00 per meal. I thought that this was perfect, he could have his own breakfast, hot lunch and whatever for dinner, at least this way I would not worry about him on a day to day basis.
His response was that he did not want to be around a bunch of old people. I came home and told my husband and he said, "I don't blame him"..... I did not know what to think, I thought I was doing what was best.....
For the past week I brought alot of his laundry home, have been trying to get everything caught up, went to his place today, housecleaned, made up a nice fresh bed, aired the place out etc. etc. and then feel all of this guilt when I leave him there.
He still wants to be totally independant, but it comes a time when what is independant and was is being irresponsible as a daughter. That is what I am feeling.......
Thanks for listening......
Hi Emily. My mom is only in her early 60's....but I've been taking care of my uncle (my mom's brother) since he had a stroke this summer. Through our town and region (we're in Ontario) we've found a lot of resources on the Internet. I just googled "senior services" and then our region or town name. I'd already known about the meals on wheels, but they also gave resources for respite care...in case we want or need a bit of a break....they also have outings and volunteer drivers come and pick up the seniors from home and take them to a group outing....ie bus trips to Niagara region for the day....or sometimes it would be a day at the community centre. I guess it would depend on your region and what community services they provide. An excellent resource (in Ontario) is the Community Care Access Centre through the government of Ontario. I would hope that the other provinces have a similar service.
best of luck Emily!
We had to finally move MIL into a Senior Apartment with meals supplied last year and she was 98 on Tuesday. She still is as shrp as a tack but her eye sight is fading and she is a little shaky on her feet.She hated the thought of going into the home but she is so happy there and they treat her so nicely. Talk with your Dad and go with im to see what is out there and try to get him on a waiting list if he goes and sees it now when it is time it won't be so hard.
Gosh!!! There is alot you can do for him, everyone has posted so much!! I dont have anything to add> I'm not there yet, My Moms only 65, still realively healthy and unfortunaltely I lost my Father a long time ago when I was only 23....it was unexpected and totally shocking!!! Find a way to spend more time with him...life is short. Give him a big hug...there are so many options...you will get through this!!!
that he wants to upgrade his driving skills and try the test again. It shows that he isn't really concerned overall that he shouldn't be driving. I think they know when it's time to hang it up. A very good friend of mine was so worried when her dad failed his test, because he had always said if he couldn't drive anymore he might just as well be dead. But all he said was, well, I guess I knew it was time to stop, and the next thing she knew he was going around everywhere on public transportation (this was in Ottawa). So he must have known in his own heart of hearts that he shouldn't drive any more....Good luck, Emily, and let us know how he makes out.
Thanks to all of you for your insight. We tried meals on wheels before and my dad said the same thing that the meals were terrible. That is really too bad because it seems like such a good program. I will look into having someone come in a couple of days aweek to prepare his meals and look into handy dart or something to get him out. My concern is him sitting home alone and not having any mental stimultation as he is still very bright.
He is going for a driving lesson this week and will be retested on Oct. 17th, but I am concerned that maybe he should not be driving. Although he has not had any accidents, at least not that I am aware of.......I guess that I just have to let him try and if they fail him it is out of my hands and I am not the bad guy.
Thanks again. It certainly is a concern.
Sorry I am short of time so i didn't read all the answers so far but my Dad is totally blind and we lost my Mom this year so he still lives alone but need help getting around. The best and most cost effective is the Handy Dart in his townit is $2.00 one way and he would have a standing reservation to go visit me Mom. One day he got to the home to visit her and they wouldn't let him in due to a virus so he just rode around on the bus and had a great day visiting with everyone on the the bus. Meals on Wheels are terrible he said the food wasn't edilbe and same with my MIL in another city she said the same thing. I would look into home care to come a prepare his meals.
I've so enjoyed reading all the responses on this. Our parents are all still living at 83,81,79,74 and so many of these things have run through my mind.
A couple months ago there was a horrible accident a town away that was set off when an 80 yr old turned in front of a truck. An entire young family died in the accident. I was so upset knowing that my dad, 81, with his eyes that he's having issues with (had shingles by the eyes and the eyes were affected, vision still not clear) could make a similar error in judgement. My mom is 74, has good eyes and does most of the driving fortunately. My dad is not a typical 81 yr old though, he still skis and golfs regularly, and is presently in Paris traveling.
Thanks for all the good information. We'll need it someday.
that he is sharp and interested in things. My dad developed emphysema and eventually he was just like a little baby -- what a terrible time. He gave up driving when he nearly had an accident...at least at that time he realized that he was a danger to himself and others. But it was difficult because they lived on a farm and my mother didn't drive, but they only went to town about once a week anyway, so they just treated themselves to a cab. I think your dad is making the adjustment now that he's lost his license -- hope everything works out...
First of all loose the guilt as you Dad is living the way he chooses to live. I am sure you have done everything he will "allow" you to do for him.
It is a terrible blow to have your license taken away, probably worse for a man.
He will sort that out though and be just fine. My Mom at 80 moved into an apt. and was very active in the Seniors Center she attended and took the bus too. She used to tell me she was making sandwiches for the "old folks" who dropped in for soup/sandwich at lunch time and of course the chit chat with their peers.
She then moved at age 84 to the Senior Center Apts. ( 2-3 year wait list) which was part of the Senior Center. ( she loved it there) The last 2 years she had a young girl do light housework every week and had a neighbours daughter make suppers for her 4x week which arrived frozen for her frig freezer. The other nights she fended for herself with M&M and some Lean Cuisine she was fond of. She went food shopping ( with her walker ) with my niece 1x week to buy what she wanted. Oh we did have some arguments about her using a walker but she was finally convinced once it was bought and set up in her apt. and up to her to use or not. When she turned 92 she moved into a granny flat in my sister home.
She just celebrated her 94th and has arthritis in her knees and macular dengeration (sp), but is sharp as a tack and even knits. I think she knits by feel as her eyes are bad. She does watch TV but cannot read anymore.
Bless them all......who want to remain independant.
im so sorry that you are going through this.....my parents arent 86, but 65 and 66 and the worrying is already starting............im sure you will find a way to make dad comfy and less worry for you. Hang in there!
smiles
janetc
PearlGirl and Dustbunnydiva thank you so much for taking the time to respond. My dad has always been so independant that all of a sudden I am feeling badly that I have not done more for him. However, if he needed anything I was there. But, he chose to be so independant and live his life and do his thing. He was always here in our home for all holidays, birthdays etc. But all of a sudden I realized how independant he has been in his day to day things and now all of a sudden to loose that independance is a major blow.
I will look into this week things that are offered for him in home. He has a fellow that comes once a week to bath him but other than that he has been totally independant. Quite amazing for his age. He is very bright, receives 2 newpapers and reads cover to cover daily and is much more versed on politics and local affairs than I am, does his crossword everyday. I want to look into some assisted living, wondering about the expense.
Thank you both for opening my eyes as to what might be available. Before if I mentioned any kind of help he was totally against it. Now, he seems somewhat more responsive to some help, I guess as we age we become aware more of what we need. I think we know within ourselves what we need. He has known his limitations about driving, he never drives at night and will not venture into Vancouver, stays in his area, where he is comfortable. We must respect his wanting to be as independant as possible, but I still do worrry about his safety, of course. I will get on the phone on Monday and see what I can find out about how much help is available to him.
Thanks again for your support. It is a worrisome time.
Have you checked out the available services for seniors? There may be a center where you live that acts as a referral to all other services be they local, Provincial, national (in other words they know who and what is available, how to qualify or what it costs, how to fill out the forms). We have one in Calgary and they were a huge help for things my mom needed and actually she would have found out some things a lot earlier had we gone there a few years earlier especially when it came to certain benefits she was due.
Anyway, there are usually home care workers who can come out and assess your dad's situation. His doctor or someone else who works with seniors should know how to access them. Usually their goal is to keep the senior in the home as long as possible so they figure out what that person needs be it a taxi/bus pass, delivered meals, cleaning services, safety adaptations, etc.
For instance, with your dad, if they have the same service where you are, he probably automatically qualifies for a bus pass. If he is unable to navigate to a bus for any reason, it becomes a taxi pass. This allows them to call a cab which only costs $1.75 or so per trip which is way cheaper than gas/insurance on a car usually. he could still get around that way although it would require some planning as they often require 24 hours notice.
I can tell you that if you dad can afford it, he should probably move to a seniors apt building. My mom did that although it took some convincing to realize it was not a "home'. It's simply apts geared to seniors. Meals available in a dining room if they like, cleaning service, activities right in the building, 24 hr staff who can be there should they fall or need help with something, day trips, movie room, garden. It varies by company of course, but the one my mom got in was great. Most of all it took the heat off of me knowing she could get what she needed (if she fell which she did a lot). The other big plus was the companionship and activities. There was no reason to be bored there, no feeling shut in when it was too icey to go outside, and a real community of people all going through the same things (giving up their homes, their ungrateful kids, aches and pains).
What used to crack us up with my mom who had never been drunk her life and never really understood my dad liking to go to the legion, was her sudden love of the bar. She had to have clothes for the bar, if we went out for the afternoon she had to be back for happy hour or there was trouble. She'd only have 1 drink, but that bar was the gathering place and she loved the social part. When she passed away last year she requested the after funeral reception be at the bar at her apt and that all her CD's be given to the bar. So for all her initial complaining, she really did end up loving that place and it was a good move for her.
Also, when my mom got ill, she could keep her apt. The nursing staff took care of her along with her homecare people. That was a big relief for me as she would have been sunk had she stayed in her own home. Her neighbours also kept checking in and that helped her emotionally too. it was only when she was no longer able to walk that she would no longer be able to stay in that apt.
Your dad is the age most of the residents in those apts are so he might find it a good option. With my mom the big obstacle was convincing her she should leave her house as she took that as some sort of defeat. We took her to an open house at the apt with no strings attached, and after talking with some folks there she thought it wasn't so bad after all and moved the next month. A little complaining for a couple of months, but we could tell by her attitude she was happier there with being able to socialize again. We were happier as it took so much off my brother and my shoulders. REally she was more independent in that apt than in her home.
As for the immediate problem... does your dad have a freezer and microwave? There are so many ways to get him meals be it single servings from the grocery store to making him a supply if he has a freezer. That way he could just nuke what he needs. A small freezer can be had for a couple of hundred dollars which would probably pay for itself in no time.
There are also grocery delivery services at some stores or through some private companies. It might be worth checking if you have something like that where he lives. There are also some people who make a weeks worth of meals for people as a living. Sometimes they have store fronts, other times they work from their homes. Again a senior's centre might have that kind of info.
Anyway, fingers crossed you find things that work for both of you. there are a lot of services out there for your dad, you just have to hook him up.
There are a few options that would work for the time you are away.
1.Meals on Wheels deliver a hot lunch and you can contact them through a church or the doctors office.
2. A home maker hired through an agency or the local church may have info. on home maker services.
3. Hire someone to make a hot meal for him and deliver it for the time you are away.
If funds permit take cab to a restaurant or order in food.
If he is used to a microwave the TV dinners have improved and M&M make single portion meals.
If he likes a salad then that could accompany a bowl of hearty soup.
I am sure he is very self sufficent and will be fine during you absense.