I am not asking for your last name I am interested in did you change your name when you got married. My sons are all getting married this year and 1 DIL is changing her name to his 1 is adding hers to his and 1 is keeping her name. When I got married many years ago you didn't have a choice. What was your reason for doing what you did and what have you done with your childrens names. Just trying to understand their reasons.
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Respectfully,
Robyn :)
that doesn't surprise me.
also Respectfully,
france
didn't mean to post right away, still getting used to the new format...
to add to my last post....
in regards to the children names the confusion may be avoided if there are clearly spoken answers when the question of different names come up. like mommy's born name is **** and daddy's born name is ####. so your born name is ####. simple and not confusing unless we make it so.
okay i'm done now.
oh and as you may have guessed by now i have been married once, kept my birth name and my childrens names are thier fathers. we all get it and it works for us.:D-
I have never disagreeded with someone so much as I disagree with your previous post.
Respectfully,
Robyn :)
thread that kept me reading right to the end!
it's a good thing there isn't sound on this forum so my gasps to some of the replies couldn't be heard. from the tone of those that frown on keeping maiden names it seems its time to surface from the stone ages. honestly things are not that black and white anymore. the theory of "because you marry you must change your name" may not seem appropriate in todays world. there are other choices regardless of whom the breadwinner is. marriage is a team effort and through life's ups and downs the supposed role of breadwinner can be switched back and forth in order to keep the household and family balanced and happy. gaining financial freedom, in my opinion, is in no way related to giving up ones birth name, it is certainly a bonus and in speaking from my own circumstance occurs from both contributing to the household. in addition, if one and only one person is making the major decisions and the other persons role is secondary to that then, again in my opinion, it is not a balanced union and eventually feelings of inferiority and perhaps even resentment may manifest and find their way in to other areas of the marriage. a sure recipe for failure.
besides having to always deal with school officials that questioned the order of my surname... "are you sure it shouldn't be x...?" My double barrelled surname is too long for most name fields on things like DL, credit cards etc. Drives me nuts when I get a credit card that they have taken the liberty to shorten my surname down...lol
My mum was one of the first women to be accepted into the RCMP as a general duty officer. I remember her being so proud of that accomplishment (and so she should have been, she had polio as a kid so just making it through the basic training was a feat in itself nevermind she was the only aboriginal woman to make it in a time when the mounties were very old boy) that when someone tried to call her Mrs X she replied.. "that's Constable X to you!"
Carswell, bbyrne and Mary Anne, you are so right.
I hyphenated mine, and luckily, my dh didn't care. His perspective - he wasn't going to change his name, so he couldn't realistically tell me what to do with mine.
I like the analogy to staying together for the sake of the children. Excellent point.
Mary Anne, my technology experience has been no better than yours! Initially, my driver's lisence had the names reversed. I though, no big deal - until I went to get a passport. I was told that I was allowed to use my maiden name, or my incorrect hyphenated name (dh's first, mine second) but was not allowed to reverse the order. Thus, my passport has my maiden name, my now correct drivers lisnce has my hyphenated name, and to keep things fun, the people at Visa have placed my maiden name first, my first name as an middle initial and my dh's name last.
Honestly, it looks like I have a number of aliases!!!
Lore
I'm another one who votes with the keeping your own name crowd. I was born ***** and I fail to see why I should not remain ******. I happen to like my name.
My SO and I are not married so the discussion is moot for us, but if we were, I would have kept my own name rather than taken his. For one thing, we didn't get together until we were in our mid to late 30s. It would have seemed awfully strange to take another name at that point.
The thought that I was going to keep my own name caused a lot of friction between one of my early boyfriends and me - just one of the many reasons we never married.
It has always seemed odd to me that women are expected to change their names upon marriage and men are not. I guess it's part of my feminist leanings. The thought that one should do so for "the good and/or convenience of the children" falls into the category of staying together for the same reason for me. Nonsense.
Growing up, my mother was a physician and a role model for me and many others. She had a long history of doing the unconventional, defying her own father to study medicine in the 1920s - he believed the only *respectable* occupations for girls were teaching and nursing...but who was the proudest dad at graduation when his daughter got the prize in surgery?! LOL...
By the time my paretns were married, she had practiced medicine for many years by that name and was known by it. My father had retired from the forces before they were married. Given the convention at the time they married (1949) and my father's family (FOOF*), my mother changed her surname, but kept her maiden name as a middle name. But she was also widely known by her first name, as "Doctor A***", as she had been before her marriage. She always told me she regretted not keeping her own name, although she had, in a sense.
When my DH and I married, I had been well-established as a professional in my field, and in his mind, there was no question but that I would keep my own name. He is five years younger than me, and also a professional. He even still introduces himself by it from time to time. It causes some confusion when we take our furry babies to the vet or the kennel, because we have to remember who took them in the first time, because that is whose name they are usually filed under!! Like others, we have no children, so that was not an issue for us.
I still feel this is *who I am* and am glad I did it. I have spent a lifetime correcting people in their speling of both my first name (that's MARY and ANNE, two separate words, not hyphenated) and my surname, which has a particular spelling. I do get cross with some relatives and others who refuse to recognize our choice (because it was mutually agreed) and continue to address me by my husband's name, although I am mellowing as I get older...LOL. I am STILL known as "Maryanne" however, on my Ontario Driver's license -- when I got it when they were first computerizing, they told me that "the computer will not accommodate two-word first names" -- never mind it is a MAJOR identity card.....!?...and after I came back to the province, having been away for almost 20 years, it appeared they still couldn't figure that one out! Progress or the tyranny of IT folks?! So if anyone ever double-checks my driver's license against my passport and birth certificate, I may be in trouble.....
As for HOH, I am absolutely with you bbyrne -- we are a formidable team, and have always made our decisions together as a pair and will continue to do so. We are each other's best friend and advisor. And, in fact, although our salaries were the same for a few years when we were first married, we have each played major bread-winner -- when I was laid off for a year, it was DH's turn, when we moved here and he couldn't get a job for 4 years, it was my turn. Often it was a question of which of us was most employable in the market at the time....Doesn't bother either of us.
* FOOF - *Fine Old Ottawa Family*
the new forum makes me so scared. LOL
my mum was an ardent feminist and insisted that I have both her name and my dad's on my birth certificate. However, my dad was left to fill out the forms for my registration and being a little under the weather from celebrating he finally had a girl (I have 9 brothers), he messed up the order in which the names appear on the BC (his is first then my mum's). So I'm the only one in my family to a) have a doubled barrelled surname and b) the only one that has my mum's surname. My parent's only discovered this error when I was about 2 when they went to apply for a passport for me and the clerk at the passport office inquired if I was actually their kid.. lol by then it was too late to change the BC without incurring a cost so they left it alone.
When I got married, (way back in the 80s) the only way to legally change your name in the Province of Ontario was to change your birth certificate to reflect your married name. I had huge issues with that as changing my name to my married name by custom was one thing, changing my name on the birth certificate was another as I felt my entire family history was about to disappear ( I envisioned some descendent a few hundred years from now trying in vain to trace the family geneology when all the women's names didn't match the birth/family name). So I left it alone. (Ontario has since changed its name change laws to no longer requiring women to change their birth certificates). Way back then as well, it didn't cost anything to change your name/birth certificate if it was done within 90 days of the marriage - after that there was a fee.
Having a triple barrelled surname was so not in the equation so for years I left my name in my maiden name. When our daughter was born, we used one of my surnames as a middle name for her so she in turn had a sense of family history without being saddled with a double barrelled surname.
In the last couple of years, if ppl that know my husband refer to me by his surname, I don't even bother to correct them (although there are days that I wish I had changed my name to his when we're rushing out the door and I'm frantically looking for my name tag to put on my uniform and he has a ton of them handy).
As for HOH by standard definitions, I guess that would be me...lol...since I outrank hubby, make more salary than he does and pretty much make all the decisions to make a decision. But frankly, we plod along in a partnership and operate in a consenus. We've always felt that together, we make quite the formable team and are as strong today as we were when we were young idealists trying to change the world.
LOL...i bet he wasn't amused at all...lol
There seems to be very strong different opinions on this subject I had no idea that people felt so strongely about it. I guess I will just accept whatever my future DIL decide and love them no matter what their name is. As far as HOH my DH retired a few years back after many years of being the boss at work and suddenly he wasn't and found it very difficult not being the boss of anything anymore so I very kindly told him that he could be the boss of taking out the garbage and now he was the boss again. I thought it was alot funnier than he did.
This was a tough one for me. I was never crazy about my maiden name but not because of the name itself. As hard as I tried I could never seem to relate to my paternal side of the family because they all had very different values than what my mother taught me. This always made me feel like a bit of a black sheep when I was around them.
When I got married I debated keeping my maiden name but decided to take DH’s surname because I could identify with it better than I could with my own name! It represented, to me, a family that had the structure and the values that I admired, that I was taught and that I wanted to carry on in our life together.
Similarly, I respect the decision of those that chose to retain their surname because it represents who they are.
I don’t feel that by giving up my maiden name that I’ve lost my identity in any way because I know exactly who I am, where I came from and I will always continue to be who I have always been.
As for heads of household...I won't touch that one!
I am close friends with only one couple where the husband was considered the head of the household. What did he do? Squandered all their money, drank way too much, spent no time at home, and ended up having an affair with her niece without apology or remorse. Yet he still considers himself a man of God and looks down on others who do not belong to his church. That is not the type of person who should ever be the head of a household.
your right and obviously he wasn't learnign anything from his church if he thought he was better then others
I totally agree with you on the HOH issue. MY DH and I have taken turns being the major breadwinner, but neither of us claim to be the actual head of the household.
I am close friends with only one couple where the husband was considered the head of the household. What did he do? Squandered all their money, drank way too much, spent no time at home, and ended up having an affair with her niece without apology or remorse. Yet he still considers himself a man of God and looks down on others who do not belong to his church. That is not the type of person who should ever be the head of a household.
Just my humble opinion. This is a great thread, by the way. It's been interesting hearing everyone's thoughts.
I was sharing the topic of this thread with my DH and he shared with me that he new of some people who when they got married both changed their last name to a third that they agreed on. I guess that's another way to go..?! This was total news to me and we've been together for over five years. So it's amazing how a thread on the forum can affect communication with the 'other half' :)
this has been at hot topic in our house. I WILL NOT change my name. Although I believe it is a personal decesion. Dh's family thinks it it because I think my family & I are better then them. Absolutly not true. To me if I were to change my name, it would be like changing my identity. This is who I am. How often in converstion when we mention someone, everyone says who. ? Then you say, "you know - so & so "& use there maiden name & then everyone knows who you are talking about. I want to have my family's name & he can carry on his family's name. I wouldn't hyphenate because there are just too many syllabels. But I do like it if both names are short. And then what if it ends in divorce? Do you keep his name - no way! And change back - how confusing. Why do we have to take their name, why can't they take ours?
Plus my 1st name & his last name sound awful together!
As for children - well I don't have any so my opinion may change. I don't necessarily think it is a bad thing if child & mother have different last names. It is so common now, I don't think people think twice about it. I would like my children to have my last name actually, although I don't think that would happen. And ok - say marriage ends in divorce. children most often end up with mother. If you change your last name back, then you & your children would have different names. I would like to give my child my last name as their middle name and then the would have a part of each of us.
As for HOH - grrrrrrrr! I could go on forever. I am the major breadwinner, I pay the bills, am I HOH? No way - we are partners. He cooks, I clean. We share the yard work. He his the fixer upper. All major decisions are discussed & agreed upon - eventually. I can't believe this day and age we are even talking about this. We need to have control of our own lives. My SIL doen't even know how to use a debit card, because her DH gives her money(& she is the breadwinner)! What happens if the divorce or if he dies, she will not have a clue on how to take care of herself and her family.
To make a long story short - I am keeping my name because that is who I am.
we were both older when we got married, and are not going to have kids (except the furry kind) so that was never an issue with us.
Jenjen, you are not the only one to raise your eyebrows!! but, being older, we can handle it - my DH had to carry his oficial change of name certificate with him for about 2 years just in case !
I am changing my name when I get married next year simply because right now I have a hypenated name and it is the most annoying thing ever. Combined with the fact that one is a french name (and I don't speak it) and one isn't, people can't pronounce it correctly or spell it correctly.
I am more than happy to get rid of it ;) I still have my identity and a sense of who I am and where I came from without holding on to a name.
In our household, we have our roles but they are not gender specific per se. We both come to eachother and make decisions and the final decision is one we both agree on. FH grew up in a household where the man had the final say and I grew up in a household where my mom ruled all so we are compromising. We are partners and friends.
Sounds reasonable and fair.
thank you for information!
kipper
[B]so then, the wife is "allowed" (for lack of a better word, sorry) to be mutinous and take over as Head of Household?
if the man is not doing what he "should" be
Are there any social repercussions at church for her if she does so? or for him because she had to?
not at all, we all make mistakes
respectfully,
kipper [/B]
so then, the wife is "allowed" (for lack of a better word, sorry) to be mutinous and take over as Head of Household?
Are there any social repercussions at church for her if she does so? or for him because she had to?
respectfully,
kipper
So that makes me want to ask you Buttercup, what sort of guidance does your church give to the parish's families who's husband aren't making decisions that are best for their family?
if a husband isn't fufilling his duties the woman should step up no doubt
In extreme situations, is divorce ever encouraged?
only in adultery or abuse
I was interested in this discussion, and wanted to know more. I'm not trying to be controversial. If you'd rather not discuss it, I understand...
Jalan's point that the Head of Household situation only works when he's acting on behalf of and in the best interest of the family.
So that makes me want to ask you Buttercup, what sort of guidance does your church give to the parish's families who's husband aren't making decisions that are best for their family?
In extreme situations, is divorce ever encouraged?
unless you have a DH who "gets it", its not going to work the way it was designed to work.
totally agree
When I got married I did not change my last name. I have always had that name and just couldn't justify changing it, it was just who I am and felt changing it would make me someone else. Personally, I think many woman want to be someone 'new and fresh' when they get married but I did not feel that way. I just wanted to keep being the same person. I am since divorced and I'm REALLY glad I never changed my name. I don't like hyphenated names but my children have a space between their last name ie. Smith Jones. When a name is hyphenated you are obligated to use the entire thing. My kids use Jones (their dad's name) on a daily basis and Smith Jones for formal documents. Works for us ..
head of the household? Sorry, I do not think enough men (and woman) are raised in our society today with the right values to make this concept work anymore. Worked at a time when it was a societal norm. No longer the case. Roles are no longer clearly defined by society or religion which used to bound us. And unless you have a DH who "gets it", its not going to work the way it was designed to work.
my last name. My name reflects my family, my history and who I am. I couldn't imagine leaving that behind. I don't understand why I should lose my identity just because I got married. It took me a year to decide what I was going to do. I don't know what we will do if we have kids.
The only problem with hyphenating is that a lot of people don't respect my choice and call me by dh's name. This irritates me to no end.
Lore
I know someone whose dh also changed his name because she refused as her name sounded funny with his last and he wanted the entire family to have the same last name.
WOW!!!!
so I have not read all previus posts, so may be repeating.
We have been married jus over 4 years, and Ontario is, as the person who married us put it, an "equal opportunity " province, meaning either partner can change or not as they wish. So, my DH changed his birth name to mine !!! He hated his birth name, it was not the same as hiw mother's, had had little contact etc. with father's side of the family etc., etc., and mine is MUCH easier than his to have as a lat name !