POSTED: February 3, 2006 by glaswegian
Anyone seen the new wallpaper they have today on the homepage? How cute with all the valentine stuff?
Myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy funny valentine :p
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OK
And it's apleasure to have you use my thread as a platform for all that ;)
You really do need to get a lawyer pronto if he is threatening anything. If that is his attitude he could be hiding or selling assets, or all manner of things he shouldn't be doing. There is also probably a possibility that if you had a lawyer, you could live in the house and he would have to leave it. That gives you the house and dog and a way to keep an eye on possessions while all of this is settled.
You need to be careful and I can tell you from watching what has happened to any number of people, the ones who waited to see a lawyer ended up on the short end of the stick. It can come down to realy simple things like who left the house being deemed the one who 'left' the marraige (vs being forced out) and therefore less likely to get certain things.
If you call some people who have been divorced or who know people who have been divorced you can find a good lawyer. Some even do it without any cash down as they wait for payment until after settlement and the bill is paid out of the joint assets.
Please go to a lawyer if you haven't already. The real up side is you will absolutely know what is possible and that should help up your confidence and reduce his ability to manipulate you in any way.
Ever consider kidnapping the dog? Just a thought. :)
except for the stuff I use on a daily basis becasue I have to get a storage unit so if it wasn't for him threatening that he will break my stuff I would kidnap the dog.
Contact a lawyer before you make any decisions about anything. Makea list of your wished before you go and include the dog. Take the list with you. That Ex is banking on you being so weak and confused and hurt right now I would NOT trust him.
Then get an appt. with a professional. Those 2 steps forward will get some things in your mind settled.
Do NOT talk to Ex about YOUR business, he did not confer with you about his business, I do not imagine. You are clinging to him now as you do not know where to turn...
Just take the first 2 steps and move now....do not wallow in self doubts about yourself.
Get thee to a lawyer, preferable one that comes recommended anda professional ( a family Dr. can recommend one to you)
Trust me you will start to feel a little better when you start accomplishing things on your own. :)
I think Jan in Van is onto something, mind games. My ex wouldn't let me have a wall unit - he hated it but he just didn't want me to have it. I couldn't really care less although I thought it odd he would want something he didn't like, I just figured as long as I was away from him that was all that really mattered. The "stuff" didn't matter to me, I can appreciate a dog isn't "stuff" though. He made out like a bandit as I didn't get anything, I didn't really want anything I just wanted to be rid of him. It wasn't very strategic of me as I did regret that a little down the road but I managed, it may have forced me into exploring better paying job options too.
Ever consider kidnapping the dog? Just a thought. :)
Jmo, but I think you ex DH wants to maintain control of you. He wants to share the dog because he knows you love it so much. He does not want you to go for counselling because he can see this is helping you get better. He left you and now he is turning around and complimenting you. It reminds me of the kind of mental abuse that I went through with the ex husband. He would mentally beat me down, then a little niceness to pick me up then it would start again. Please keep on with the professional counselling. And consider fighting for total ownership of the dog; cut all ties. And it seems like he gets all the other assets. See a lawyer too. Don't trust the advice he is giving you. I don't like to advocate a battle but it doesn't seem like he is playing fair. It won't be easy but I know you can do it.
My marriage break up does not compare in any way to your lose of a spouse. I survived a breakup because I was young and knew I had the time to make up for lost time, I was in the drivers seat too. I know there is no way I could survive a death. After I had been divorced about 10 years, I ran into a man I used to work for who was much older than me and he had recently lost his wife. They were the MOST devoted couple I had ever met, and when she died it was the most horrible thing that could have ever happened. He will never be the same without her, she has been dead for about 10 years now at this point and he still visits her grave daily. I looked at that situation and knew I couldn't do that, ever. I know my limitations and that's one of them. I glad to hear you made it through such a terrible time.
WHHHHAAATTT!!!!!! Excuse me but I think he lost all his rights to an opinion on your life when he decided he didn't want you in his life. He should be the LAST person you should be looking at for confirmation. What a guy for thinking you are a psycho, he sounds like a real winner, where do I get ME one of those? :(
I made a list of such happenings and read them over to myself when I was feeling like I may have made a mistake. I knew I hadn't made a mistake but you get self doubt creeping in from time to time. I didn't know about Dr Phil saying I was just mourning the loss of the relationship I wished I had. That sure would have helped me at the time.
I agree with DivaDanielle about cutting off the ties. For me it was the best thing I could have done. My ex and I didn't have a bad relationship but every time I talked with him, I just felt yukky afterwards, it made me remember things I didn't want or need to remember. You don't need to be in touch with him, your lawyers will sort out what needs to be sorted out. Yes it will cost less if you guys figure things out yourselves but there will be another kind of cost associated with dealing with him. It depends if you want to pay that price. I would also try and figure out why he wants to keep in touch - to ease his conscious? to keep tabs on you if he changes his mind?
Now, I feel like it never ever happened, or it did but to someone else. So much has happened, positive and good things, in my life that it's like a fuzzy dream. Maybe I'm in denial but who cares? I'm ok now and that's the most important thing.
You do what seems right to you at the time, you seem to be aware of what not to do which is excellent, you can learn from other peoples mistakes. I would only suggest that since this will be a lengthy process, unfortunately no band aid solution fix for this, to use the time productively. Keep yourself busy so you are not dwelling on unhappy things, but busy things that will lead to a better job or learn a new hobby, something that will benefit you that perhaps you didn't feel you had the time to devote to in the past. Know what I mean? The sooner you can start to do this, the sooner you will start the healing process.
However, I am always so careful about anouncing things like that, because sometimes I feel like it's unfair to say "I totally know what you are feeling". Each person's pain is individual to them, but there are similarities in what you wrote and what I felt a few years ago. Man, that pain was horrible. I never thought I might get out from underneath it. Everyone worried about me. The big breakthrough for me (and this is the hardest...) was to finally say enough. I emailed the ex and told him we could not speak again, we could not see each other and although I wished him no ill will (actually that might have been harder! haha.) and we have not spoken since Feb. 2005. It has been so freeing! Honestly, not easy to do, it took over 8 months to get the courage but it let me focus on new life, not my old life.
As an aside, the feb 2005 conversation was a personal high for me. I thanked him for his choices as I have never been happier, never been more balanced and with someone who adores me! (BTW, whether he believed it or not, doesn't matter, it was so empowering to say THANK YOU. and mean it.
D.
[QUOTE=Foxxy]Reginagirl you said "I thought I had this plan for how I wanted my life to be but he took it all away from me. ...He took away my life as I knew."
This is not at all the same but similar feeling I think.
My DH died suddenly when I was in my 40's and I was terribly angry with him for leaving us for a long time. I mean how dare he leave me and the kids! After all we had 2 adult childrens schooling and marriages ahead and retirement plans and how could we do this without him and what about the finances etc.
At that time the anger and sadness was so heavy I did not want to get up in the morning ever. This was all too much to handle and trying to remain strong for the adult kids was doing me in.
All I can tell you is my girlfriends were an invaluable resource as was seeking professiional help for us all. Before you get "stuck" in the mourning process you are experiancing seek a professional. Their expertise is invaluable to you right now.
There is light at the end of the tunnel. You are worthy, you are resourceful and you will be OK>
I know I need professional help to get thru this but d(dumb)h keeps acting like I am a phyco for wanting it. I guess what do I care what he thinks. That is what is holding me back form that right now.
Almost two years from that horrible moment it was over, I am never going back to that feeling and life has dealt me the most wonderful cards now. Hold on. My biggest help was in talking to a profesional. That was truly life changing.
You are in my thoughts.
You obvioulsy know exactly how I am feeling.
Reginagirl you said "I thought I had this plan for how I wanted my life to be but he took it all away from me. ...He took away my life as I knew."
This is not at all the same but similar feeling I think.
My DH died suddenly when I was in my 40's and I was terribly angry with him for leaving us for a long time. I mean how dare he leave me and the kids! After all we had 2 adult childrens schooling and marriages ahead and retirement plans and how could we do this without him and what about the finances etc.
At that time the anger and sadness was so heavy I did not want to get up in the morning ever. This was all too much to handle and trying to remain strong for the adult kids was doing me in.
All I can tell you is my girlfriends were an invaluable resource as was seeking professiional help for us all. Before you get "stuck" in the mourning process you are experiancing seek a professional. Their expertise is invaluable to you right now.
There is light at the end of the tunnel. You are worthy, you are resourceful and you will be OK>
:)
I read through all the emails and like so many others, I've been there. The idea that he has taken everything from you seems like such a common theme, doesn't it? For me, what struck me most was two comments, I wish I was the leaver and I just want to stop being sad. After a twelve year relationship ended in infidelity, I wanted the same! I remember telling my best friend, "I just want it to stop hurting, I want to wake up and not have it be the first thing hanging over me every day." I even remember the exact place I said it because I was driving and crying and needed to pull over to the side of the road and call a friend for support. And although it felt like the heaviness would ever lift, it did! Time, support and resilience all contributed to it all. YOU WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN. I truly believe that....so many others sent you letters to also remind you of the unshaking belief.
Almost two years from that horrible moment it was over, I am never going back to that feeling and life has dealt me the most wonderful cards now. Hold on. My biggest help was in talking to a profesional. That was truly life changing.
You are in my thoughts.
I don't mean to change every post into a pity post for me. DBD, your right. Right now I just can't see a clear path ahead of me. I don't knwo where to go from here. I know i will end up fine in the long run but right now I have to take it day by day and see what life gives me. Thank you everyone for taking the time to help me.
Reginagirl you said "I thought I had this plan for how I wanted my life to be but he took it all away from me. ...He took away my life as I knew, he is taking away my in laws, my house, my finacial security he is not taking away my dog."
As they say, sometimes the way we phrase or think of things can make it better or worse. Try not to dwell on what you think you have lost and concentrate on what you still have and all the opportunities that are open to you in the future. It's probably not a huge comfort, but you are on a path that many have been on and there will be lots of help when you need it be it from friends, counsellors, or community like churches or other groups.
It sounds like you are mourning the loss of an ideal you thought existed and you might be able to deal with it a little better if you take a long hard look at it all, what you really do have, and how this is a set back, but nothing that can't be overcome.
If there is one thing that is for sure, it's that there is nothing that is for sure but it's hard to get that until to go through it and see others go through it over time. No matter what people plan, it can change on a dime, for any number of reasons and I'm betting most people here and anywhere else aren't where they thought they'd be with their plan A. It's just not real life. Don't worry about your plans as at some point, you probably would have had to adjust them in some way anyway. Heck, chances are you will come to see that that plan you had wasn't quite right for you anyway.
He didn't take your life as much as maybe your life has changed to a direction you hadn't expected. All of the things you mentioned losing are still available to you without having to add in dealing with someone who isn't treating you well. You may have to wait a bit now for the return of a house etc, but it will come and without the high personal cost that you were ending up having to pay. That cost alone is not worth the trade off.
You still have a long full life to live with or without him. He didn't take away your financial sercurity as that probably was an illusion anyway (being as finances can change up or down at any time, to anyone, so unless he had a huge trust fund to live off, chances are again that wasn't a realitistic expectation). You, like many here have said, will find you are more than able to offer yourself the financial sercurity you need. In my mind, there is no equalizer like knowing you can take care of yourself financially and you will find a way that works for you there too when you are ready to get your head around it.
As for you in-laws, well if there is a special relationship there, it may continue. Right now it may be too soon to tell but I know many people who are still close to their former in-laws. I actually had an aunt and uncle who remained closer to their XDIL than with their son after the divorce. So you never know.
When it comes to the dog, well hopefully you will find a way to work that out.
For now, do what you need to do to keep on as close to an even keel as you can and give yourself some time to work through it. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time until you are back to a fast trot again.
You will come through this, and you will learn more about yourself and probably end up very pleased in the end. As hollow as it may sound, you still have everything in front of you even if it wasn't your original plan.
i'm not sure age has much to do with it 3blackcats, my mum was 25 and left alone with 2 kids and in a heap of debt thanks to my father.
and i have to disagree with your comment that men that grow up in houses where the mother worked are much more self reliant and helpful around the house. DH had a sahm and he is more than willing to put in his fair share of the housework at the end of his day...just because i'm a sahm he doesn't expect that i shoulder the entire household responsibilities, and we remind DS that he has his responsibilities around the house as well. I think it has less to do with whether mum and dad both work and more to do with mum and dad's personal ideas about running a household.
You are very lucky to have one that came with those skills :)
very true, i have a couple brother inlaws that had mom do everything for them...oh my gosh it would be like having another kid around, if you dont mind that as a wife, that is okay, but my hubbies mom had her boys doing everything from dusting to doing laundry....so there isnt anything he doesnt do around the house, yes he works outside of the home, but my job at home is demanding too and when the kids were younger and all 3 were not in school we worked together until they went to bed and we still do....i have been blessed, thanks to his mom
smiles
janetc
Well I should think not! Now some men can be smooth talkers, and some women think they can't survive on their own - that all life will end as they know it - and that's too bad for them. But you're clearly more evolved than that.
It really hit home to me when I heard Dr Phil say to some woman mourning a past relationship that she wasn't mourning the loss of that guy but the loss of what she hoped he could have been. The lightbulb went off in my head and I wondered why the heck didn't someone tell me that YEARS ago. I wouldn't have wasted as much time in mourning for something that never was to begin with. We women get these preconceived ideas of how life should be and when it isn't like that, we don't know what to do. I blame Disney for all this ;) Yes, this business about living happily ever after can be quite a crock can't it? It never shows the part where Sleeping Beauty has to do housework all day while the prince just sleeps or channel surfs. I was in for a rude awakening after I got married that's for sure. When I was on my own I discovered I had all this free time on my hands because I wasn't run ragged looking after someone else. Men my age are not wired to be independant, I think men who grew up in homes where the mother worked are much more self reliant and helpful around the house. It turned out that was very important to me, still is.
the other day they had a guy on Dr. Phil who wanted a poly fidelity realtionship and he was my dh and I was his wife. I felt like I would rather forgive dh and move on then get out of my shell and move on. I don't wnat to be with a jerk like him.
Man, I so wish you could have a visit on the Dr Phil show, he'd have you fixed up in no time :D
You are doing better than you give yourself credit for. You realize now you don't want him back because he isn't good enough for you - that's huge. You mustn't let him yank you around, that can be the most painful thing but once you stop allowing that to happen you feel better about yourself, I did anyway. That's why I always think a clean break is the best, no opportunity to get yanked around. Hard to do though.
I liken a bad breakup to kicking a bad addiction. A lot of it is habit driven, the temporary fix it provides is never worth the long term hazards.
was that it was a total shock. I thought I had this plan for how I wanted my life to be but he took it all away from me. I want to be excited for what the future holds but I am not ready yet. Everyday my feelings change. One day I love and the next I hate him. Today I realized I don't want him back I was just scared to move on. He is not good enough for me. He did and contnues to do awful things to me that I do not deserve. He took away my life as I knew, he is taking away my in laws, my house, my finacial security he is not taking away my dog. We will be tied for how ever many years that dog is around because I love him too much to give him up. We are having a visitation in our divorce agreement. I cannot give up my boy. I think eventually dh will let me have him because he is going to become a pain to him.
I think it's an age thing too though. At a certain point in your life, you look around and see you get along just fine on your own, and with kids I would suspect you see it even more so. You don't need a man like you did when you were an insecure young woman. Something changes and a weight is lifted from your shoulders. You realize you can do it because you have been doing it.
My married friends tell me that if anything should happen to their husbands they'd not rush out to replace them. You get a sense of security within yourself as you get older. Heck, I stopped colouring my hair even last year. I've been doing that since I was 16 and just decided it was such a waste of time, it's not as grey as I would like but it is what it is. I figure I'm allowed to have some grey hair, that's what happens when you get older.
my mum got stuck with two duds.....I was too young when my mum and father got divorced so I don't know how she "got through it"...but I know that when I was growing up she was strong and very independent....she was a great role model for my sister and I. I'm guessing she figured 2times was enough and she wasn't going to go for a third....she's happy, finally after years of taking care of everyone else she has a home of her own, and no-one to clean up after.
I feel a bit better now for you, you really sound like you are on the right track, just make yourself do things you may not want to do but are good for you, like going to the gym.
Get your own dog. Sharing a dog is perhaps a way for your ex DH to have control over you and your feelings and that's the last thing you need now. You don't need to be seeing someone who hurt you so badly on a regular basis, how are you supposed to heal with a constant reminder?
I couldn't imagine living with my parents again, so that's an accomplishment in itself in my books :)
When I think back to my ex DH, I don't know what I was thinking when I married him. It was like I was another person, I have changed so much. He wanted to stay in touch and we did for a number of years but then I just figured why bother, I just had nothing to say to him. No regrets on that one.
When I was weak I chucked back martinis, cried a lot and had meaningless relations with strangers, it was an interesting way to pass time but I wouldn't recommend it ;)
Do something productive for yourself, not destructive. Don't waste your time being sad, move on and be a better person for it. Give yourself 6 months to be sad then dust yourself off. It's tough being the the dumpee for sure, but everyone has been dumped at some point. If one person doesn't value you, someone else will. Your girlfriends will help you, men will come and go but your girlfriends will always be there for you.
Think about getting a dog, they provide unconditional love, good company and they need to be taken out for walks so you have to go outside on a regular basis.
But I have to share him with d(damn)h.I love, love spending time with him! I am living with my parents and they don't want him here full time plus dh won't allow me to have him full time, even though he loves me more. Right now I am being totally slef fish and just living to get me through each day. It takes ewverything in me to get out of bed and showered. I do my hair and make-up everyday and have been spending major time at the gym. Dh even told me I was looking really good these days. Not that I care what he thinks of me anymore but it helps that he noticed. Everyone I know handles their break ups by sleeping around and I have vowed to myself I will not do that. It is not me. Gfs even tell me just make out with guys. At this point I can't imagine myself with anyone, including dh. Keep on talking to me 3blackcats, you are inspiring! Thank you everyone for your encouraging words.
I my self went though a very nasty split with my now ex-husband 5 years ago, I was a few months away from my 21st birthday with a one year old duaghter when we split up. It was a hard time in my life but I made the choice to not be sad about it and take the time to work on my self. I went back to shcool, so that I could provid a better life for my daghter and my self. Along the way I made some great freinds at college and they really helped me to find out who I was and help to creat the person I am today. I know its a rough time, but trust me things will get better. I can honestly say, I dont think I would be were I am in life today, if I had stayed with my husband.
Just do whatever works to get through it - within reason.
When I was weak I chucked back martinis, cried a lot and had meaningless relations with strangers, it was an interesting way to pass time but I wouldn't recommend it ;)
Do something productive for yourself, not destructive. Don't waste your time being sad, move on and be a better person for it. Give yourself 6 months to be sad then dust yourself off. It's tough being the the dumpee for sure, but everyone has been dumped at some point. If one person doesn't value you, someone else will. Your girlfriends will help you, men will come and go but your girlfriends will always be there for you.
Think about getting a dog, they provide unconditional love, good company and they need to be taken out for walks so you have to go outside on a regular basis.
....very wise words from 3blackcats...im sorry to hear of what you are going through.... i have seen others pain with marriages that had dissolved, it is a hard journey, however there is a rainbow at the end of it all......one day, you will wake up and you will not be sad anymore...all the best
smiles
janetc
I copied your words to save them. When I get down I will read them. When I am weak you will make me strong. I hope my life turns out wonderful like your. Right now I am just shocked that this is happening. I wish I was the leaver not the one that was left so maybe this would be easier. I have plans with a girlfriend for Valentine's day. I don't want to be sad anymore I just don't know how not to be sad anymore. I hate being an adult.