POSTED: December 13, 2005 by oreokitty
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Oh you must be excited for them and some things in life are meant to be. I agree they will not regret this decision either. My neighbours, wed 14 years had invitro twice, The second one was successful and they are over the moon with this 6 month old baby boy. I have never asked but she is talking about a sibling for this doll baby boy as they do not want an only child . Her DH said now the pattern is there nature may be in their favour in a few years. :)
Everyone has to deal with people that think it's appropriate to ask this type of question, and for some I think they consider it chit-chat. Depending on peoples 'circumstances you can really dig up some worms though. I had two boys close together so didn't have to deal with the "when's the next one coming along", but I hear people say it all the time. The one that stung for me was "don't you want to try for a little girl" - of course I did, and had a lot of problems that I am sure they don't want to hear about, but they keep blabbing on about it.
On the upside - my brother and his wife who have been feilding the "when are you going to have children?" for almost 20 years have announced that they are expecting in March and I am so excited for them. While I respected their decision not to have children, I know that they won't ever regret this decision.
We've been all over the map on this one -- first didn't want kids, then lost a baby to a miscarriage, then couldn't have them. I'm long past getting upset at personal questions. People who ask them will always ask them and nothing you do will change them in the long run.
Whenever I'm asked a question that's too personal or one I just prefer to not answer, I just look them in the eye, put my hand gently on their arm, smile sweetly and say "Trust me, when we make that decision, you'll be the first to know." Then I just don't participate in that kind of conversation. I either turn it to something else or excuse myself and go get a cookie (or a drink, whatever does it for you).
It's like tennis -- if you don't hit the ball back over the net, there's no game.
My very good friend and her DH are not having a family and when asked when they are starting she just flat out ssays " We are not having any" and then just walks away she said most people have quit asking now as she has told them that several times. She is not uncomfortable with saying it as she is comfortable with their decision not to have a family. If someone keping asking why theya ren't having any she tells them bercause she wants a new bikea nd that usually stops them cold and ends the conversation. Personnaly I think it is rude to ask and it is none of their business but it never stops them from asking so i think being short and to the point is the best way.
LOL! Wouldn't that be great?!
For years I told people my plan was to adopt a pregnant 18 year old so I could more or less skip the hardest parts and get straight to "Grandma". Try using that! ;)
I like that answer.. I want to be a Grandmother instead of a mom! LOL!
Man, why is it that our reproductive plans (or lack thereof) are so interesting to other people?? I know most of the time the questions are asked out of genuine interest and have no ill intent, but when asked repeatedly, that goes over the line...
We replied with a simple, 'When we're ready'. It seemed to work well.
Now that DS is 1.5 yrs old, the question of #2 is the question of the day around here. And not just by family and friends, but complete strangers too! And the looks (or comments) I get when we say we're probably not going to have anymore -- you'd think I'd committed some kind of crime!
I guess I get the same question just posed a little differently now that I am newly engaged. I have an almost 6 year old daughter, and my DF has an 18 month old son, we have already made up our minds that we don’t want to have more kids, we have a boy and a girl what more could we want. But people insist on asking when are you going to have a kid together and then almost get mad at us when we say we are not having any more kids. They all say you'll change your mind, or you cant mean that, don’t you think it would be nice.. ect ect ... and we are not even married yet! I am sure it will only get worse once we are married.
i love my boys to death...and sometimes it gets really close to that..LOL...but i can honestly say that even when i see a baby...i have no desire to have anymore...they're adorable...but i don't miss that....i enjoy getting a full nites sleep...i thought the day would never come...LOL....i like the fact that we can all go out to dinner and enjoy our meal...not me trying to bounce a baby while trying to feed them and myself and wiping DH's chin all at the same time... :D
I'm sorry but I can't help but feel angry - I get asked almost everyday and it really bugs me. People just don't stop. If I say we have decided not to have more children then they ask why? Back off, get your own sandwich. The mother and the MIL thing I can understand but once you have made your intentions clear, they should respect it and not push. After all, they should realize it's your decision.
I think it bugs me because people make me feel guilty because I'm not having more or like I am cold or something because I don't want a houseful. Personally, I think that if I have more children, I will be spread too thin and won't be as good of a mother.
It's like being really full and somebody is pushing more food at you.
no i don't think it's too harsh...like i said i get the reverse...when ya gonna try for a girl.... :rolleyes:
Well, seeing as though DH and I alreay have two beautiful girls...the question put forth to us is always "When are you going to try for a boy?" And I usually reply with "I don't want any stinky boys in my house" You guys think that might be a little too harsh??
:D Mel
Oh ya..sometimes i say "I've hung up the old ovaries" That usually gets the point across without being too rude to them.
Ooh! I like that one. My SIL always asks just to get a rise out of DH. If I ask her that she will have to come up with a lame excuse or admit she just wanted to push some buttons.
Somebody once told me that when someone asks you a personal question you should answer with the phrase "Why Do You Ask That?". That puts them in an awkward position of having to explain their nosy question.
MM...good one...LOL
Wasn't having kids the first form of punishment doled out by God upon Eve for her dispicable behavior. God's children rebelled so he decided she should have some of her own as punishment. :D
yes i'm sure on one hand the one who asks is asking out of love and whatever...but it's aggravating when they keep asking...i still get it...but i get ''when are you gonna try for a girl??''....hmmm let me see....I'M NOT!!!!....obviously there seems to be something that gives me boys.... :D ...and i'm quite content about that....besides...i probably wouldn't know what to do with a girl....if the toy doesn't go varoom varooom....or ....beep beep...i don't know how to play with it...LOL....that and the fact that i would like to keep whatever bit of sanity i have left....if there is any left....i like having just two kids...personally i don't think that prisioners should out number the wardens....works perfect this way when we go out...DH takes one and take the other
I always found inserting the phrase 'child free' when answering people seemed to let them know where I stood pretty clearly. There is a big difference (IMO) when saying childless as it implies a want or desire. For many of us, it was by choice and childfree gets that across as neatly as any phrase I have ever heard.
I think the best idea is to say, without anger or anything, as calmly as you possibly can, that having children or not is a decision you and DH will make, and will not be influenced in any way by family or peer pressure. If you stidk to your guns, calmly reapeating the same answer every time the question is asked, they will get tired asking. Ask DH to co-operate by giving the same calm reply !This is an assertive technique know as Broken Record and described by David Burns (I believe) in his book "when I say no I feel guilty".
Good luck - and don't feel guilty !
Try replying that "neither one of you has decided yet". "What did DH say when you asked him?" Especially if it is MIL asking. I'm betting there aren't too many asking him these questions. Ask him what he would say.
Even if these people think they are asking for a loving reason, IMO it is still rude. Is their concern really for you or is it for their desire for a grandchild?
I feel especially sorry for those who can't have a child. It's like rubbing salt into a wound.
Another peeve of mine is the other side - the people who will tell anybody everything. "Tonight we are going to ....."
i guess not being able to have children for 10 years, in one sense made it easier as all my close friends and family knew we were trying so never bothered to ask....however we did get asked by people that were not in our lives on regular basis....i just told them we were not blessed to have had any as of yet....and would agree the way some would address it was very hurtful when you arent able to have one. What i do find frustrating is when people assume because you are married, its a given that you should have children....i think if a couple decides not too it is not being selfish as so many are accused of.....having them when not wanting to but doing so to please others is unfair to the child...just say when we are with child....we will certainly let you know
smiles
janetc
I find most of the posts on the hostile side as well. I think you need to think about who the question is coming from. Is it a Mom /Dad who would love grandchildren ? Is it a sister/brother who would be thrilled to be an aunt /uncle?
I think the question comes from loving people.
You do not need to react so when asked. I think I would say:
"Everything in good time" period and smile.
Time for you may be never or 5 years down the road. I think part of the problem is you know the questions is going to be asked, so instead of getting all in a fuss before, think about it like they are asking you. "when are you getting another car"
Answer: all in good time. :)
...after reading Dreamer's response I felt a bit of guilt....I feel I may have jumped the gun in my answer. Perhaps a bit of hostility in my answer? Having been there done that (as far as fielding the "when's the next one???" question ).....but at the same time I know that where my in-laws are concerned our DS is the only grandchild and they would love to have more....(my MIL came from a family of 9 and my FIL from a family of 3)....my SIL has emphatically stated there will be no grandkids coming from her so it is up to DH and myself. We are quite happy with just one....although I must admit lately I have been missing having a baby around the house (babysitting for a neighbour--as short term as it may be - has been filling that void)
I think my inlaws have come to accept the fact there will be no more grandkids, although MIL doesn't mind dropping a hint or two every once in a while! God willing, they will still both be around when DS has kids........oh my...do you suppose in 20 or so years I'll be the one asking "So when can we expect some grandchildren???" :D
and one that thinks Miss Manners is a religious icon.. I never get asked - however should I slip up and mention my future possible children - they almost pee themselves with relief or try very hard to hide a reaction (they are terrible actors).. they practically stumble overthemselves to act casually once the subject is there...
Conversely, clients and friends fail to hide jaws hitting the flow should I mention wanting to have children some day - as if I am the last person on earth they would ever imagine having children... it's enough to give a girl a serious complex!!
I like the possible comments though... Nosey Parkers... well if it gets too bad for you - feel free to come over to Icey-Danish Christmas at my Uncles - they won't bug ya when you are wolfing down the herring! However, making conversation with them... well let's just say I bring A LOT OF ALCOHOL to cope!
it probably comes from "a good place"... a place that loves children.
I love my children and adored the babies they were. I miss having a baby to hold and cuddle! I can imagine myself wanting to ask that question once my children are married - I hope I hold my tongue and just think conception thoughts!
It is very intrusive and might well be a hurtful question. I am surprised so many people ask when we all know some choose to be childless and others are childless but not by choice. You are all perfectly entitled to your reactions, but for the prospective grandparents, may I beg for a little more gentle handling? They are thinking of a "little you" or a "little DH" to lavish with affection. Not that I think anyone should have a child to please their family, of course, but I have wanted to be a grandma since I was 12 (I had such wonderful grandparents) - if my kids choose to remain childless, I hope at least to be told kindly and to have a grandpuppy!
These people mean well but it's a very personal question and none of their business!! After our son was born they (family and friends) started asking when we would be having the next....I simply told them "we were fortunate to have the perfect child the first time around why would we go and jinx ourselves and try for a second?". (not that it's worked for long....but it shuts them up for a few months at least)
They went after and are still after my SIL....she has made it clear she doesn't want any children. They won't get off her back. She is very busy with her own business and enjoys her freedom. Why would she have kids if she didn't want them? Just to please them?
All I can say is don't worry about their feelings.....they certainly aren't worrying about yours by prying like that! Tell them bluntly, "we'll have children when and IF we decide the time is right for us..to do otherwise is selfish!!"
Hopefully that'll give you a few months peace and quiet (until the next baby shower that is!!!)
I definately feel for you!!!!
I kind of see this question and the question of "when are you getting married" kind of the same. I think it's part of a big conspiracey kind of like misery loves company - because most married people I know say they would never get married again if anything happened to their existing spouse and a few mothers have even told me that if they knew then what they know now, they wouldn't have had kids or as many.
I think in many cases, most folks really have no idea what they are getting into because it seems to be a taboo to talk about how difficult it is to raise children these days. You're just supposed to know by osmosis I guess. And then perpetuate the myth by asking other people when they are going to have children........
Tell them when it becomes legal to crate them when you go out. I was asked this question for years and I finally made it extremely clear that neither I nor my DH will be having any children of our own. I asked them if they really thought I should be having children when I don't want them? If so I will be glad to have them and hand them over to you. I am sick of this question and also find it rude. :mad:
Maybe you should say, "gee, that's kind of a personal question...tell me, what is your annual salary?"
Dragonlady
I am going to keep that in mind... Like last year my MIL told my seven year old nephew to ask me when we were having kids.. I am just tired of it.. As you mentioned it hurts peoples feelings like what if we can't have them (I honestly don't know if we can or can't but....) very rude...