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HHassist's picture

So, I have a dilemma that I could use some "unbiased" and perhaps "biased" advice on...

Most of you (or some of you know) that my husband and I are adopting - actually we attended the first special needs adoption day yesterday and have put our names forward for a sibling group... anyway...

My inlaws smoke. Moderately (1/2 pack to 3/4 of a pack per day) EACH. Here's my dilemma... I absolutely hate (and I cannot emphasize that word enough when it comes to smoking) cigarette smoke, and the wreak it leaves behind on my clothes, in my hair, etc, when we visit them. While they NEVER smoke inside the house when we are there, they smoke inside when we are not , it's quite obvious that their house absolutely stinks of cigarette smoke no matter when we visit. My husband and I both have cut our visits down to about once a month now, but with children coming, I don't want them near the kids when they smell remotely of cigarette smoke. We (both DH and I) have broached the subject with them many times, and my MIL's response has always been "too bad, I enjoy smoking, I will quit when I feel like it". Obviously the choice she's making is cigarettes over grandchildren. Now, having said that... I'll paint a picture for you... these people are generous, kind, loving, and would do just about anything for us...

So... what to do....

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Anonymous's picture

Don't apologize, Reneesmom. :-) You work in the health care field, and that's an important contribution. Your advice will be taken, and I will contact the Lung association. It's good advice. I guess I was hoping someone would have the perfect cure for this ailment, having been through it, but I guess it's really up to me to be the proactive one ... and try to keep everyone happy. DH, thank goodness, completely supports me on this, and he's been wonderful in trying to get his mom to try to see it our way. Maybe that's part of my problem with this - she won't even listen. The last conversation we had, she stated (and not exaggerating here) "do not bring this issue up in this house again or you won't be welcomed here again". So, it's been hard to try to even bring the matter up in her company. I think it's her fear of knowing she can't quit that makes her feel like that. It's her way of controlling the situation.


Anonymous's picture

You are right, DBD, it's all in the perspective, isn't it? :-) You definitely know your way around the english language! You can take any subject and make it interesting.

You have laid out some very good points. I think it's the "smell" that bothers *ME* in particular, but definitely concerned about the health risks for the kids. I am a former smoker (10 years ago, this past April). I think I've heard some people refer to us as anti-smoking terrorists. :-)

I promise to check out the air purifiers and the Hepa this week, for a father's day gift! It's a great idea.

Anonymous's picture

Thanks Janet, I know this is just one of those things... I hate going over there, so we don't do it often... and on the other side of the coin, we don't want to keep our soon to be children away from their potential grandparents... I guess it's going to have to be an issue we continue to talk about - at least with DH's dad, who is far more reasonable than DH's mom...

Thanks for the advice and listening to my vent!

Anonymous's picture

You guys are great for the advice, thank you.

They have an air exchanger but I think they smoke so much that it doesn't amount to whole lot of difference. I will consider the Hepa, however. I hadn't thought of that.

Renee'smom - I consider myself an anti-smoking activist, too :-) My DH has talked to them, until he's blue in the face, and it goes in one ear and out the other. His dad tried to quit several times, to no avail, but he's far more considerate than his evil mother... ooops, did I say that aloud?

When my son was growing up, I never exposed him to second hand smoke, but you're right, the environment is full of smog and pollution. I can't protect them all the time... but if in a controlled environment, I can certainly make choices to steer clear of the inlaws when they choose to smoke.

I find my MIL is so smug about it... it's like she is choosing to smoke just so she doesn't have to say, "you're right", which I don't want to have to hear, I just want them to do the right thing for the right reasons.

I will look at purchasing a hepa for Father's Day! Good idea.

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