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I believe that a wedding is a celebration of life and it should involve those whom you cherish and who you share your life with. When I attend really large weddings I often ask myself if all of these people are really that close to the groom and bride. Personally, I feel a wedding is an intimate moment that I would want to share with people I am close to - not the woman who my mother plays bridge with every week.
To that end, a celebration for me will always include food and drink. Some of my most memorable moments in life are centred around gastronomic events. I find a cash bar tacky and have a similar opinion to others - if you don't have the $$ then don't do the big wedding. Save, limit the guests and be creative - there are lots of ways to cut costs with weddings. I've seen so many weddings with disproportionate amounts of money spent on the most incongrous items!
As for the destination wedding - that can be tough. My brother did it and I went. Yes, it probably wasn't one of my top destinations for places I'd like to see, it was expensive and inconvenient - but he's family and that negates everything I've just said. It can be construed as selfish but here's the thing - you (hopefully) get married just once in your lifetime - why not make it the best experience of your life - celebrate the fact that you've found your partner?
There is always the option of not going, staying at another location where lodging is cheaper, travelling for just a few days rather than an entire week, leaving the kids at home with a babysitter - it just depends on how much you want to sacrifice to be part of that experience. I hope you find a way to make it work! (Maybe only one of you attends?)
I haven't been to one wedding in the last 10 years that wasn't a cash bar. Meaning $2/ drink,
On DH's side of the family, everyone is financially comfortable....except for us. We are both expanding our businesses and cash is a little tight right now. Also, we are the only ones with children. I find quite often that someone on his side has the idea we should all go somewhere together on a trip and it ends up being difficult. Mostly because they usually choose something that isn't in our price range and isn't geared at all toward children. On our last trip, I didn't eat one entire meal as we were always in higher end restaurants and DS was getting restless. I ended up going for walks with him just so everyone else could eat in peace. Then the rest of them would make plans to go and do something that wasn't for kids, leaving me behind. DH is never much help with that....I don't think he gets that I don't enjoy spending my time in a hotel room while they are out having fun, At the very least he could stay back so we could do something as a family. But in his defense, he is working so much he has no social life himself so he probably wants go get out as much as I do.
I guess we'll cross this bridge when we get to it.
That would be so inconsiderate if they expected everyone to fly down south at Christmas. Maybe they just aren't thinking about the repercussions -- just focusing on how much fun everyone would have along with them? Would it be possible to say (if they hint about it again), O we are so looking forward to celebrating your wedding with you -- you are going to have it here so we can all join, aren't you?
I know what you're saying, that you probably would have to somehow arrange it anyway, but what a nightmare it would be...
I wouldn't like it if I had to pay for a drink. I think that greediness is the only answer for this. If I can't afford a wedding to pay on my own, I wouldn't do it. I would have to give a lesser gift, that's it, I'll be just as cheeky as they are :( :eek: :p
Smoodgie, we have both cattle and grain. It's not very big,dh and I both work full-time in town but it takes up all of our spare time. If we go away, we will have to find someone to keep an eye on the place and do chores. Could be a real headache if it gets really cold and water freezes up, etc.
I really hope they do something closer to home, but it is their wedding.
Hmmmm, that's a tough one.... I can totally see why you'd be reluctant to go. As nice as it would be to go somewhere warm for the holidays, it does put quite a bit of a burden on people who can't just get up and go. Could they compromise... maybe go away and invite whoever can go to be there with them (not obligatory), and then have a second ceremony when they get back for friends & family who can't make it on the trip??
What sort of farm do you have??
My BIL just got engaged and has hinted to my SIL that we should all expect to spend Xmas somewhere hot. I am not impressed for two reasons - it will be a huge expense for those of us who are obligated to attend and it is right at Xmas - some of us have our own families we like to spend time with during the holidays.
BIL and SIL to be are trying to save money by not having a big wedding but are saddling the rest of us with it. There is no way DH will miss it but it will be very difficult for us to go. It is my busiest season at work and we will have to find and pay someone to look after the farm while we are gone.
Has anyone else had experience with this?
sounds very similiar to my BIL's wedding.....sounds like it was done with much thought for the guest, that would be my idea of a beautiful wedding.....very special indeed
smiles
janetc
I'm very excited to hear about this lovely outdoor wedding..as my cousin's ceremony is being held in her Mom's backyard. We were going to also rent a tent and have the reception out there too..but decided that there were too many "what if's" involoved. So, we're keeping our fingers crossed for a beautiful day..but if Mother Nature plays a nasty trick on us..we've got plan "B" which is having the ceremony and reception in the church hall.
:) Mel
Last summer we went to a wedding that I thought was the best I've ever been to (other than, for sentimental reasons, my own, which however wasn't nearly as well planned). The bride's parents had it at their home in the garden, and they were really lucky with the weather -- it was on Canada Day, and it was sunny, a little breeze, not too hot. Not a huge number of guests. They had been planning the wedding for a couple of years, and they devoted so much time and thought to every detail. As far as money went, they rented a tent and had the dinner catered, and provided wine, champagne and after-drink drinks -- they had a professional bartender there, and obviously had to get a liquor licence. They had rent-a-johns and a hand-washing station that they rented. But they really used their money in a smart way. The main course was chicken, and very well prepared, but not as expensive as say lobster or something. The mothers of the bride and groom, and a friend of the family, made all kinds of appetizers like veggies and dips, and some of the younger girls passed them around as we admired the garden. But the details were unbelievable. They made the favours on the plates -- small jars of their homemade wine jelly, topped with organza skirts matching the bridesmaids' dresses, and a little fairy on the lid (the theme was a Fairytale Wedding -- the bride loved fairies when she was a little girl). The flower garden was a spectacular setting. The place cards were set in beds of grass, and the tables were decorated with their own flowers. One of the aunts made all the dresses and they were lovely. The mother bought little grapevine wreathes from the dollar store and glued on flowers, ribbons and little bells, so everyone shook their wreath when the bride and groom were leaving the ceremony (fairy bells). So much thought went into everything. She was one lucky bride...It just shows how much thought is more important than money -- all of the guests had a terrific time and were just blown away. The father of the bride made an evil-fairy pinata for the kids to break, and it was filled with little toys, etc. They took the organ out into the garden and a friend played. It was amazing.
I really think the big change has come now that lots of couples are paying for the wedding themselves in stead of the brides family paying. I feel bad if people are offended and think of it as a cash grab I don't feel that way at all it is just enough to barely cover the cost and that can be very high. When you say have a smaller wedding would you rather not be invited to a family or friends wedding and miss out or go and pay for a drink. As my DS#3 did just that had a small wedding and a free bar and very expensive dinner but I could tell from some relatives they were dissappointed not to be included. When I got married in the 70's we had the MC to annouce that there was to be no passing the hat as a family friend was in attendance and he had started it at my brothers wedding just the year before and we were afraid he would do the same again. My FIL was horrified he had never heard of it and couldn't believe that someone would do such a thing.
I understood what you meant Janet ;) ..and to be honest, I've never gone to a wedding where there was an open bar. I've been to tons where they provided wine or champagne with the meal and liqueur for after dinner coffees..but the "getting drunk" booze was your own responsibility. :D And rightly so
and when i say cash bar....the bride and groom do not make a profit on the booze sold, it is bartended by the Hall they rented...im not sure if some are done differently, that is just my experience
smiles
janetc
i dont think her idea is tacky, just as i dont think a cash bar is tacky....i have always expected to buy my own drinks at a wedding but if the couple has it in thier budget to provide a all night open bar, that is great too. We did the same thing, only we provided wine, of course at no charge. Times have changed from the time i was married, weddings are not so traditional now.....i see things being done so differently, i like that, it almost seemed when we got married you had rules to follow......lol
smiles
janetc
This topic couldn't have turned up at a better time..I'm currently in the middle of planning my cousin's wedding. We've been discussing what to do. The guest list is quite small..but the budget is equally as small. We're having the reception in a small church hall so there is no "Bar" of sorts there. We are hiring a bartender to serve both alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks for the evening. The Bride has decided that she'll buy a relatively large quantity of wine and beer and because her wedding has a chocolate theme..she's going to serve chocolate martinis (is that what they are called??). As for the guest list..they are all close friends and family and have been notified already that if the provided amount of alcohol isn't sufficient..they are welcome to bring their own. I personally don't think this idea is tacky..the Bride and Groom have decided to provide drinks for everyone..just not enough for everyone to get "plastered"...which is smart as far as I'm concerned.
:) Mel
I just think that if you invite people you should be able host them properly. If you can't afford it then shorten the guest list. We had an open bar at my wedding and only one person really over did it.
I remember going to a friends wedding that also seemed like a gigantic cash grab with a cash bar, paying for a dance with the bride or groom (and they insisted that you dance with them), passing the hat, and my personal pet peeve a request for cash on the wedding invitation. Tacky, tacky, tacky!!
As I have said before DH is retired LCB and when he first started with them it was always Host Bar but in those days you could get Uncle Bob to bartend not allowed anymore. But I remember the first time he was told that the Wedding was going to be Cash he nearly died but by the time he retired they were nearly all cash bars. Now in BC you have to have a Bartender with a Serve IT Right and the Cops will be there for sure to check on you. I had never heard of this thing a STag and Doe until my DS went to University with a kid that told him about them they seem to be only in the East I have never heard of them out West. Also I HAAAAAAATTeee the passing the boot and would never allow it at one of me Sons wedding .
in the early eighties and it was rarely heard of, at least with the weddings i attended. Of course we did provide wine for dinner and then like i said open bar for a while...........it seems to be more of the thing to do these days, judging by this conversation....thats interesting, how times seemed to have changed. I could definately see providing all drinks if i were to have a small garden wedding, that is how my BIL did his
smiles
janetc
Wow, lots of interesting opinions on this one!!
Reginagirl, I'm not planning a wedding, thank god -- one was enough!! But my best friend just asked me to be in her wedding party, and she mentioned that they're going to have a cash bar.
I'm of the opinion that there should be an open bar at weddings. At our wedding, we had both cocktails before the ceremony and an open bar at the dinner/reception. Our wedding was out in the country, so we provided free shuttle service to and/or from the venue for any guests who wanted to enjoy their drinks and not worry about driving. Nobody got overly drunk, everybody got home safely, and it didn't cost us an arm and a leg. And I have to say, it was one heck of a good party!! :D
But, everybody's situation is different, and I guess for some people, a cash bar is the best choice.
Incidentally, I'm not a drinker myself -- so my preference for an open bar isn't because I want to drink myself silly for free!!
In our family it has always been an open bar at the weddings. I agree that you are throwing the party and should not expect people to pay for food or drinks. Its a wedding not a fund raiser. I think in our family and friends its just a known thing. Its a tit for tat thing, all parties in our circle are thrown that way. The guests do not bring presents they bring cash gifts. At the end of the day you recieve enough cash gifts to cover the party (if that is not already covered) plus a pot for the couple. If money for the wedding is an issue than plan the wedding far enough in advance to cover that extra cost. If you need to raise money throw a stag/doe party to raise extra money for the new couple but leave that out of the wedding. It cheapens the wedding I think.
I've been to weddings that made me feel as if it were more of a money grab than celebration. Stag/doe with cash bar and door tickets plus cash bar at the wedding. Everyone and anyone was invited as well. That is tacky imo.
Another thing that puts value on the wrong things is when the couple doesn't have much money, won't have much money but hosts a fancy party buying very expensive flowers, dress, fancy hall all for show and then uses that as a reason to need to have a cash bar. I think being a good host is more important than the monetary image the wedding presents.
As for people getting drunk, hey, thats what happens at weddings. Its a part of the party. Its a part of the cost.
A perfect example of a tacky wedding....I was in a bridal party last summer. The bride and groom are...very frugal. They sucked the wedding party dry of every favour they could think of...the bride was....Bridezilla in a biiiig way.
On the day of the wedding as we sit down for the reception we find out that its a cash bar, including the bridal party! No notice or anything. Not only that but the bar is on wheels in the corner with crappy bar liquor selling for $5 a pop (proceeds going to the restaurant) I believe the reason was that they got a cheaper rate on the hall. The party was in a hotel with a restaurant two doors down from the party with a fully loaded bar of premium liquors selling for the same price! The grooms relatives had ALL flown our from the east coast and it appears that they were not aware of this cost either. In the end the party was lame, no one was drinking more than one or two. Not that you need to drink to have a good time but it definately adds to the festivities. People mostly sat at their tables and the d.j. had to drag people onto the dance floor through announcements. Lame! At the end of the day dh and I had spent well over 2 grand towards their wedding and we still haven't recieved a thank-you. Needless to say, we don't see that couple much anymore.
Many young couples can't afford the cost of serving drinks all night. I really like the weddings where a charity group does the serving. They've been trained in "Serve it Right" (or whatever your province calls it), they make a profit and all the stresses are taken off the newlyweds.
I've was at one wedding where drinks and appetizers were served while pictures were being taken. There were nice gardens nearby so for an hour or so before dinner the guests had time to sobber up. Wine was included with dinner. No host bar after that.
At lot of the decision depends on how much money you. And maybe what some of your friends or relatives are like.
I've never heard of passing the boot.
And talking tacky - wine carafes were being refilled. One table went to their car and found some plastic water bottles to refill with wine to take home.
Dragonlady...don't forget the Long Island's ...Jeep has a wicked recipe...LOL :D
Well, I look at weddings like this: If I am getting married, I am throwing the party. Therefore, I can expect to feed and water everyone there. I am of the opinion that if you can't afford to feed people or provide drinks, then you should have a small wedding. If you are getting married, you are throwing the party and asking your friends and family to celebrate with you, not pay for it.
I particularly hate the weddings that are at 2 in the afternoon and there is no dinner and the reception starts at 8. My cousin had a large wedding (he and I are the only ones who live in this town from the family). He got married at one and the reception wasn't until 7. The entire family ended up at my house because they had no where else to go and I had the pleasure of feeding everyone and entertaining them for hours.
It is expensive to go to a wedding. You have to possibly travel and pay for a hotel, dress everyone, bring a gift plus all of the incidental stuff. And - you probably have more than one wedding a year to go to.
In saying that, though, I don't mind paying for drinks because I know it is expensive and I think people are less likely to really overdo it. But I do think it is wrong to pass the boot around when you aren't providing a meal or drinks. Traditionally, I believe the boot was to help pay for wedding expenses but if you aren't feeding guests, they really aren't costing anything to have them there other than the price of the hall.
Here's a tacky story. The brother of one of my friends got married and did not provide a meal or drinks. They passed the boot around and when his best man presented it to him, he asked if they could pass it around again, just in case they missed someone.
What some people are doing around here for the bar is getting a charitable organization to run it. That way they make some money and people don't mind paying because the money is going to a good cause. The charity looks after stocking and running the bar, and it is one less thing for the couple to worry about.
Now....time for some gin.
is fine with me
Smoodgie, what are you planning a wedding for? :)
hello
At my wedding ,I sent out a half a dozen bar tickets in the invation for free drinks.These we prepaid for .After that it was up to the guests to pay for what ever they wanted from then on. Also my hotel gave a special price for wedding guest to stay over night if they felt they had too much to drink.If your worried about drinking and driving,contact the local taxi service and see what specials you can get from them. Doesn't hurt to ask,all they can say is no.
Good Luck
Petal
My 2 DS 's have both the last one being a Host bar but they only had 24 people at the wedding the other being a cash bar with drinks at $2.00 each. This is encouraged by both LCB and Police to try to curb over drinking. They also had a policy at the hallthat their reception was at the all drinks are always $2.00. I am not offended i am surprised now if it is a hosted bar.I have seen some pretty messy people at hosted bars not just weddings and it is awful the waste and over amount they drink. I don't really find it much different than a BYOB invite to someones house.
and the bride and groom are the hosts. I find the idea of a cash bar tacky. I would never invite someone to my home and expect them to pay. If I can't afford it, I would have a smaller wedding (and that's what I did).
it is completely fine to have a cash bar....weddings can be very expensive, i couldnt imagine paying for all the booze lol My DH's grandmother had our bar as a free bar for one hour upon guests arriving....and holy man some people were stocking on thier drinks lol we even had guests coming in from the other wedding on the other side of the banquet hall to get the free drinks from our wedding.....some people....makes you go...mmmmm!
smiles
janetc
When I go to a wedding I don't give much thought to what kind of bar they will have. I suppose it's a good thing to let word out if there is a cash bar, though, especially if there is no bank machine nearby.(not everyone carries cash) I'm not much of a drinker-usually only drink one or two at weddings, showers, etc. At home I only drink wine at Christmas, usually. We've been to one wedding where no alchohol was served. When in Rome........ :)
We paid for an open bar at our wedding, but we didn't have any worries about a number of people going overboard. There were a few who had a few too many, but my greatest concern over that was knowing they got home safely.