what do you do with a 7 year that has a mind of his own and is the most stubborn kid possibly out there....he drives me crazy and the problem is he knows it...when he wants something it has to be right then and there...there's no waiting with him...he has now started the back sassing...which makes me want to throttle him...if he wants to go to the store it doesn't matter where we are or what time it is he HAS to go...i tell him to do something and he flat out tells me NO...which makes me want to throttle him even more....he goes to bed when he wants...but has no problem getting up in the morning for school...he's never late...he has no patience...and i am slowly loosing mine...i get so frustrated with him...i've tried sending him to his room...i find that i am constantly yelling and telling him to stop...he does aggravating things sometimes that drive me insane...he constantly tries wrestling with his 4 year old brother which always results in the lil guy crying...so as a punishment for the wrestling...he is not allowed to watch wrestling on tv...until he understands that it is not allowed at home...but then DH play wrestles with him sometimes at nite...he broke his brothers bed cuz he thought he would do a wrestling move...i keep telling myself that he is still lil...but the fact that he is 7 and is 4'8'' tall and weighs about 108 lbs...he's a big boy...but not fat...dr says by the time is 18 he should weigh 250 lbs and be about 6'3'' tall...lord help me i'm only 5'3'' tall and 105 lbs....he's tried to have a shoving match with me...and i managed to set him straight with that by packing a suit case with his clothes and scaring the s**t out of him by putting the suitcase outside...i've threatened to take him to the police station and getting an officer to talk to him about the way he should act at home....OMG if i ever even thought of doing or saying half of the things that he says or does to my parents at his age...lets just say i wouldn't be here today....he just keeps pushing my buttons and he knows it and enjoys it...i've tried fluffing off whatever he does...but if i do that my house would be a disaster...the worst part is the way he is with me during the day...is nothing what he is like when his dad gets home....he's a frickin' angel...and makes me look like a liar..i've given up on getting DH to talk to him when he gets home...cuz he gets home really late and has to deal with so much crap during the day that i don't want to bug him with it...and i feel like a ''tattle-tale''...but he can tell when i've had a bad day with him...i tend not to speak too much to DS and when i do it's a lot whatevers and i don't care ....i'm at a loss of what is left to do....is there anyone that could help me and give me some suggestions on what else i could do or what has worked for you...i'm at wits end and ready for the straight jacket and the padded room...
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You have your hands full. Is their someone who could watch your other two children so you can have some one on one time with DS Age 7?
Sometimes it is a reward to have that special time with Mom or Dad. Maybe you and DH could take just him out for a special day/dinner once a month or so. Plan it so it always happens and do no use it as a punishment by withholding it. You would be withholding your love and attention by doing this. Following through with a special time for him alone means that love for him is unconditional.
Good luck. You may want to think about doing a special time for each child later on, but right now it seems as if he needs you first.
started the 1,2,3 thing...if i have to ask him to stop or do something 3 times...there is a consequence,...well so far we've only lost his Yu-Gi-Oh cards for a week...and came real close to loosing the PS2 for a week....so he seems to be understanding that...and i've gotten to 2 a few times....so hopefully this works....PaulD...there isn't anything i don't think that would bother him at home allergies, etc...i was thinking it has alot to do with the battle of the big mouths...me and him...lol
[B]Oh, I also meant to ask, is your son involved in any sports or organized activities? With summer approaching is their soccer or a t-ball league or something to get him involved in. That often gives them something to focus on.
Good luck..... [/B]
actually he just finished hockey about 1 month ago...he absolutely loved it...we had so much fun....travelling to other towns...it was great...and we should be starting baseball in a couple of weeks....
That should have been
"Children learn what they live" not the other way around.....
you mentionned he's ok at school, and when playing with dad outside etc... any remote chance that there's something in the house that's making his behaviour worse (either some environmental allergy or something he only would eat at home, not at school?). Reading the other posts it's definitely not the single factor in the equation but it takes drops to fill a glass.
Oh, I also meant to ask, is your son involved in any sports or organized activities? With summer approaching is their soccer or a t-ball league or something to get him involved in. That often gives them something to focus on.
Good luck.....
Wow, lots of good advice and insight into what to do. Remember being a parent is the most important thing that we do in life and we have no training for it. Unfortunately......
Also, remember, children live what they learn. One thing that jumped out at me was you saying that you and your DH had some problems, as we all do in our life, how did he treat you during that time. Is it possible that your son is treating you as he saw his dad do it. This parenting is so tough, and being a stay at home mom is the toughest. I chose to stay at home until my boys were into high school so I can very much relate to some of the battles you are having. Remember he is only seven and you are the adult.
It sounds like you are on the right track and it is good to have someone to talk to.
Good luck..
have i told you how wonderful you all are....:D
I thought I would add my 2 cents worth for you.
I also recomment 123 magic. When I started doing it with my kids I felt my blood pressure go down immediately. It is not the same as counting which I had tried and really doesn't work. I just calmly say 'that's one'. Then if the behaviour continues I say 'that's two and if I get to 3 then you will not be able to play on the computer today (or whatever)'. Then I follow through after 3. I think that may be a slight alteration on the original but it worked. I used it for whining as well since I can't stand whining. Now I just have to hold one finger in the air and they respond.
I also wanted to comment on the wrestling activities that drive you crazy. I found my boys love to wrestle with their Dad and I think that is a normal healthy way for kids to bond with their Dad's. I don't let the kids wrestle with each other though as they don't know their own strength and can hurt each other. It never caused any problems that wrestling was okay with Dad but not with other kids. I also found that my third (a boy) really needed that physical contact and when my dh was away on extended work contracts my ds would literally wrestle me to the ground to get his fix.
Along the same lines I read a book that is sort of hoakey (is that how you spell it?) but just made me see my relationships with my kids and husband in a different way. It talks about the different ways that people feel loved and that you have to give them the right type of love or they don't feel cared for. They identified 5 types : love getting gifts, love having you spend time with them, love compliments, love having things done for them, and love the physical touch (hugs etc). When I read that I realized my oldest is time/talking with him, my second is gifts (which meant I no longer had to feel guilty about getting her little gifts and not her brothers as they really didn't care and she loved it), and my last one as I already said is hugs/wrestling etc. When I figured that out then I was able to make them feel loved by matching what I give them to what they need. If you just give them what makes you feel good then they don't really feel satisfied and loved. I hope that makes sense. Anyway it may be that your oldest is the physical type and he really needs lots of hugs, arm wrestles, hair fluffing etc. On the other hand maybe it is compliments and he isn't getting his fill so he works to get your attention any way he can. Sometimes it takes a while to figure it out but it is refreshing when you do.
is Kids Are Worth It, by Barbara Coloroso. Great ideas on positive discipline, rules, etc.
When you are making rules, make sure they are SIMPLE and EASY TO FOLLOW. It is unfair and self-defeating to make rules that are too hard to keep.
Dream up consequences that are similarly simple. If the consequence for bad behaviour is too hard to enforce, or requires too much supervision, you won't follow through and the message will be that consequences are mere threats.
Good luck!
jenjen, maybe if you could stop being so hard on yourself about having a clean house, that would help too. I know it's hard to break a habit like wanting everything to be clean and tidy -- I think we're all a bit OCD in one way or another. But forcing yourself to break out of that compulsion to clean might help you to relax, and realize that there are more important things in life than the perfect house. So what if your friend pops over unexpectedly and sees a furball on the floor?? Your friend is there to see you, not your dust and fluff -- your friend won't care!!
It sounds like you had a good talk with your son this morning -- that's a start!! Keep building from there.
Good luck!!
I know how you are feeling, it is so distressing when someone you love so much turns you into a screaming witch! I wanted everything to always go smoothly but it doesn't and your child "hates" you. It is very distressing. I got in the habit when I had to deliver punishment, telling him that it was because his behaviour was not appropriate and it was my job to make sure that he grew up to be a "good" and "nice" person. And thankfully he has!
How is he with his teacher. I would go and arrange a meeting with his teacher and the principal. As a former teacher, there are avenues for you to take NOW before this situation gets more volatile.
First - you as a parent need some support structure. My suggestion would be to find either a support group, a counsellor or family psychologist to help you work through your issues of frustration. My mom pulled the ol' suitcase routine on me when I was 4 years old and I did end up resenting her for the next say.. 15 years for it. You need some strategies and asking for help is the first step to getting some.
Secondly - your son obviously has difficulty with communication and is probably dealing with issues surrounding insecurity etc. and resorts to bullying you to maintain his sense of esteem and what is right in the world. The school board has resources including social workers who are able to help DS develop strategies that will allow him to communicate frustrations etc. and avoid such conflict. He should also be tested for learning disabilities etc. which are one of the leading causes to behavioural problems. The poor guys can't do something or are having trouble in one capacity and therefore act out in other areas. You as a parent and the school need to rule these out now or discover them to get him some help.
Unfortunately many of us are not experts in the art of communication - and we often expect loved ones to instantly be able to understand us and vice versa. These are skills that have to be taught and nurtured.
Best of luck - definitely go and talk to the teacher... they do have options for you.
great talk with your son!! You will be just fine..!
my thing is my house...we well actually DH has worked very hard to be where we are today...from starting off in a one bedroom bungalow to at 36(DH) and 28(me) a 3200 sqft bungalow on 3 acres and mortgage free....our dream house...i HATE my house being dirty or messy...don't get wrong my house is far from perfect...but i find i constantly walk around with a cloth in my hand...the broom not far away and picking up everything....i hate the thought that if someone were to unexpectedly come to my house and see dust...OMG that would be embarrasing...especially DH's friends...i can't make DH look bad...needless to say that some of DH's friends wives aren't exactly crazy about me...they tell me i make them look bad...lol...i feed their husbands too much and they are always talking about how clean my house is...but in between my anal cleaning...i try and find time to sit with the kids and play monopoly or memory or hell even PlayStation...i can't believe some of the games they have...they're cool...i like the race car games...we've played football...ball hockey...i try and find time to play with them atleast once a day...but i find i am constantly looking at my watch..saying...ok 5 more minutes then i get back to my stuff...maybe the next time i'm playing with them...i'll take my watch off...:D...i'm trying to get into the habit of telling myself that if it doesn't get done today...it's ok...it can get done tomorrow
everyone for taking the time to read my long winded moaning...lol...i really appreciate it and really appreciate all your suggestions and advice....i started last night making a list of rules that everyone in the house has to follow...starting with me right through to my 4 year old...all 4 of us have rules to follow...so this morning while waiting for the bus...i explained to my boys that i made this list and EVERYONE has to follow them...including me and dad...especially me...and that there are consequences for not following the rules and rewards for following the rules....even for you mom? was his question...so i told him yes even for me...there are consequences for me if i don't follow the rules...needless to say he was shocked...my usual answer to him when he starts to talk back is ''this is MY house''...which i know maybe isn't exactly the right thing to say...i asked him about how he feels when i have to constantly yell and he said he didn't like it...i also asked him how he felt when dad would yell and talk not so nice to me...we were going through some troubles of our own about a year ago...but rather than walking away from it all he and i chose to fix it...which i'm glad...DH had that '50's attitude...being at the door, dinner on the table and hot when he got home...he understands now that i might not be at the door when he gets there and well some days your just gonna have to wait for dinner etc...but i asked him how he felt when he heard us fight...and he said that he felt sad...and i asked him how he felt when i have to yell at him...he sad he felt sad too...and i asked him if he liked feeling that way and obvious answer was no....but i also explained to him that i feel sad when i have to yell or when he yells back at me...i don't have enuff fingers and toes to count the amount of times that he has told me that he hates me....he started to get a lil teary eyed...but i told him not to cry i was just trying to talk to him like an adult...and treat him like the big boy that i know he can be...it is hard for me to remember that yes he is still just a lil boy and no not a monster...and to forget the fact that he is the height and size of a 12 year old...so i told him to have fun at school...look after his brother and that we would talk more like adults when he got home from school...so once again thank you RWD, jalan, Foxxy, Smoodgie, janetc, Lore, reno-vator, and Norm for taking the time to hear me whine...lol...and for offering your advice and suggestions without judging me....i am forever grateful to have found this forum and find ''friends'' like all of you....:D:D
[B]i know i need to try and pick my battles....it's hard though...i'm the parent i'm the one that should be in control...actually i think my problem is i have to be in control...i have that problem with just about everything i do....i have to be in control or i feel like i'm losing my mind...i don't like the feeling i get when i'm not in control....i've talked to my dr. about it and it felt good.... [/B]
About control, as a parent, I agree, you should be in control of your house, but you cannot completely be in control of your child. They are people with their own minds and I have grown to respect that. I think you just have to teach them how to make the best decisions. I've learned I may not always agree with their decision, but as long as safety is not a concern, I give them as much information as I can and let them go with it. Yes, sometimes you absolutely have to put your foot down, but it shouldn't be the majority of time. One of my biggest life lessons is I've learned that I can only control my actions and reactions, not the actions of others.
Another thing I've always told my kid, you don't have to like me, but you do have to respect me. But, as we all know, respect is earned..even from a kid. Maybe look at it this way, I think one of the biggest things kids teach us is how to be a better person by setting an example for them about what kind of person to be or how to react to life. I hope everythings works out for you.
a couple of things that haven't already been mentioned. My oldest son, was a total challenge to me. My mother noticed how he could send me into a flying fit with a few words, a defiant look, whatever...I was a stay at home mom and DH worked very long hours including weekends. She reminded me that he was only a little boy (not monster) and told me to get his cutest baby pic and put it somewhere I could look at it throughout the day...prior to exploding. She told me that he just wanted attention..anyway he could get it. I had just had my daughter and my other son was 4 1/2. It was like a light came on. I spent more ( 1 on 1)time with him, told him how smart and helpful he was and started hugging a lot more. I tried to see life thru his eyes and react more appropriately. If I was on the phone with his Dad I purposely spoke of some great thing he had done (son in earshot). These weren't always easy things to do but the results were amazing. Good luck!
of my own, but at (almost) 50, I have had a lot of friends who do/did. 1-2-3 works, "broken record" works (from personal experience - I use it on store managers/telemarketers), timeouts work, but, from what I've seen, consistency is KEY !!!
I'll tell you a story from when I was a nanny; I had a 3-year-old who used to have temper tantrums, would throw himself on the floor screaming/crying, the whole bit. I would pick him up under my arm and put him in the nearest empty room, then go back to whatever we were doing (yes, I have been found in a kid's room, all alone, building Lego houses !. After a few minutes, he would come out, quietly, and re-join the play. After a few incidents like that, I had no more problem, but he still "performed"for his parents and grandparent. I know it won't work for you at his age, but I hope to let you see that there is hope.
I'll put on my teacher hat here.
Your son is being good at school. My guess is he has an extremely consistent teacher - he knows exactly what is expected, what the rewards are (often, simply a smile and thankyou), what the consequences will be and how they will be administered. You need to be just as consistent. In the beginning, this will be extremely painful for you.
I'll give you an example. My nephew is the same age and often behaves the same way. We were out for a community event last year and he decided to run across the street. I told him that he was to cross the street when I said so and not before (a battle I chose to fight because of safety). He started to bargain with me (I'll cross back once I get here . . . I'll cross back once you come over here, etc.) I told him that we were't going anywhere until he did what he was told. Every time he tried something else, I repeated my instructions, calmly. This went on for 45 minutes. The only words I spoke in the entire time were the instructions that I expected to be followed. I said them exactly the same way each time (this is called the 'broken record technique' and is often used to diffuse situations with abusive and dangerous kids). After 45 minutes, he was so worn out by the whole thing that he just did what he was told. He told me that he didn't like me (I said I don't care as long as you are safe).
Now, in my case, all this accomplished nothing because my sister continues to be very lenient. I have, however, seen it work in the schools.
Don't feel embarrased, don't be manipulated. You are doing the best thing you can for your child. Know that and don't apologize to ther person who is looking at you like you have two heads!
Hope that helps! This post is so long now that I'm not sure it makes sense!! Let me know if it doesn't and I'll clarify!
Lore
one more thing... i too stopped battling about things that really dont matter
for example...i too have an 11 year old who insists on wearing skorts on these cold days...neighbour says to me, "isnt that too cold for her to wear" i say well it is her that will be cold and she is old enough to realize whether she is cold or not
another example....if your child wanted to wear thier slippers to bed...oh well if they become uncomfortable they will remove them...my theory is that there is so many things that are far more important that we will have to enforce dont worry about that things that are not harmful...it took me time to realize this, as i would normally fight, get warmer clothes on or take those slippers off
smiles
janetc
everyone has offered wonderful advice here...i do agree with smoodgie, a stay at home mom has been proven to be the equalivant of 2 1/2 times the job of the person who chooses to work outside the home....you must not worry about involving your husband...it takes both of you to raise a family and you cant carry all the burden hun, you will drive yourself crazy. I vent to hubby when he comes home and sh** his butt better listen lol and my kids are in school full time...but the nights can still be hairy at times. The one thing that definately needs to be in place with kids is consistancy, and as parents we all can be slack at times with it but i do find with my kids when im sticking to my guns they do straighten out....and dont ever you worry about taking your child from the store screaming his face off, i did it and personally i didnt care what anyone had to say. hey do you ever watch super nanny, i have and i found she made so much sense with her teachings when kids misbehave...i know its just a tv show lol good luck jen and im sure he will get better until the next stage comes around lol sorry but it does
smiles
janetc
It sounds like you're in this situation alone. You said that you feel like you're whining if you tell your DH about your son, and that he has enough crap to deal with during the day that he doesn't need more crap to deal with at home at night, and that you're a stay at home mom and it's your job to deal with your son, and that your DH wouldn't be willing to go to counseling.....
I keep thinking about an article that I read a while back, about the "rules" for a housewife to follow. The rules include meeting your husband at the door with a smile and to not bring up any of your problems, because he doesn't want to hear about them. And to make sure the kids don't bother him or make noise, because he needs peace and quiet. And to clean up the kids' mess before he gets home so he doesn't have to see it. These rules are from the 1950's -- things have changed a lot since then (or at least, I hope they have!!) Dads should be as much a part of their kid's lives as moms, and moms and dads have to communicate and work together to raise their kids.
I think your main problem isn't your son, but your husband. Well, I don't mean that your husband is the problem, but that a big part of your problem stems from the fact that you seem to be dealing with this alone, and you're so reluctant to get your husband involved. You both need to be involved in your son's life, and it shouldn't be up to only you to discipline your son. You seem to feel alone and helpless, and that your husband will wonder what you're complaining about, because he only sees the good side of your son. Your husband needs to know exactly what's wrong and he has to help you. It doesn't matter what he deals with during the day -- your son is as much his son as yours, and he has to be involved.
the number of times I've seen a parent pick up a screaming/demanding child or taken them by the hand out of a store. Shopping cart left in the middle of the aisle, mother smiling nicely and stating as she passes all who dare to look "It's time to go home, we are having a bad day!"... I think we have all been there or seen it... Another thing we used was 1,2,3 magic... there is a book but if I recall, One is you ask, two is you have been told and three is the consequence... and you always follow it through... I always stated, I am asking you nicely to ..... , then I got firm... you were asked once and now I am telling you ..... and if you don't #3 will be...... Come to think if it... might have to resort to that with 8 year old DD.. we have an issue with appropriate dress for the weather lately... skorts when its 1 degree outside.. yeeesh....
actually his teachers have nothing but good things to say about him at school...he is well behaved and has excellent manners...mediates problems between friends,....doesn't get into fights..nothing...complete opposite at school...he actually does spend alot of time with dad...DH works for his parents and the office is out of their house and he spends the weekend working on dump trucks with his dad...it's almost like it's just with me that he acts this way...but not all the time...like now for example...he went and got a pillow and is laying down on the couch beside me watching cartoons...talk about mood swings...lol....but in 15 minutes from now he might remember something that he wants or wants to do and pulls a complete 180 on me....it's just what do i do when he has a mood swing...besides the obvious throttling...thank you for your advice and suggestions....i really appreciate it....
If he is having problems in school I would start by speaking with his teacher(s). Then go from there. The school can be a good resource for you. RWD had excellent advise.
Personally I think he is missing his Dad too being gone so much. Try and talk to your son alone....about that. Good luck :)
thank you for taking the time to respond...i know i need to try and pick my battles....it's hard though...i'm the parent i'm the one that should be in control...actually i think my problem is i have to be in control...i have that problem with just about everything i do....i have to be in control or i feel like i'm losing my mind...i don't like the feeling i get when i'm not in control....i've talked to my dr. about it and it felt good....like i said to RWD...it feels good be able to vent and am so thankful that i have you all that i can vent to and feel like i'm not alone....and the same goes for you...thank you for taking the time to read my long winded complaining...i really appreciate it...you guys are all wonderful...any and all advice is great thank you
please don't appologize for that being long...you gave me some great ideas...i really like the idea of the journal...although counselling unfortunately will most likely be out of the question...DH would not be into that...i just feel like the way he reacts is my fault...i admit to giving in to ''shut'' him up...y'know when your out in public and they throw their tantrem...so embarrasing...sometimes i feel that if i have to go to DH and tell him how DS has acted that day i feel like a ''moaner''...i'm a SAHM...that's my job...to deal with the kids...and clean up after them....DH isn't home long enough to make a mess so basically it's the kids mess...my stance on cleaning up has gotten a lil easier...i've stated on several occasions that i am tired of cleaning the same room 15 times a day and from now on if i have to clean the family more than twice whatever i pick up goes in the garbage...so that's gotten a lil better....i just feel that his attitude has gotten worse...we've started the reward thing...he was getting poor marks in school...coming home with bad spelling tests...so now we have the system that in one month a required percentage is to get a reward...if it is not met then no reward...but a loss...somedays i just wanna cry....thank you very much for taking the time read my long winded moaning...sometimes i think it's good therapy to be able to have a place to vent...and to be able to do that here is wonderful...knowing that i am not alone and have virtual friends i can talk to and who will listen....once again thank you so much RedWineDiva...i really appreciate it...:D
I so sympathize. My daughter is 9 and up until she was about 6, it was a holy war. We still have our challenging times, but we've come to an "understanding". Here is only my opinion. It worked for me.
(1) Pick your battles. When I saw my daughter doing things that drove me crazy, I asked myself how much does this really matter in the end. Decide whats really important to you and stick to it. For my daughter hearing more “yes” rather than “no” worked for her. Constantly saying no, and disagreeing with her was a source of contention between myself and my strong minded daughter.
(2) Sounds crazy, but pay little attention to bad behaviour and go overboard when the child does do something remotely good. I found out my daughter just wanted my attention and would take it any way she could get it. She realized quickly that inappropriate behaviour was not the way to go, for example, I was nonresponsive when she would whine. She whined for a whole afternoon once, I totally ignored her, she cried and hollered. It was REALLY hard, I know the neighbours heard but finally, that evening, she came and politely asked me a question.
(3) Be consistent. Whatever you decide to do, be consistent.
(4) Be willing to negotiate (when the situation is appropriate). My daughter wanted control, I wanted control. We were in a war for control. I had to let go of some control.
(5) Talk to people….as much people as you can (like posting on the forum). You’d be surprised how many people are in or have been through the same situation.
(6) Seek support or professional help for you and your son. Whether together or separately a professional support group is worthwhile. There are some great anger management/behaviour management seminars available for kids.
Sorry if I sound so general but every child is different and not the same thing will work for every child. I hope things improve for you. I’ve been there and its still a lot of work.