my bb lies. this drives me nuts, as i hate being lied to. i've done some research into this, and the infamous 'they' say it's a common trait amongst teens, but don't get into the whys...
bb has start lying alot....in story telling, i hear him on the phone lying to his friends and to his mom, he lies to me, his dad about the stupidest stuff. he blames the pets for things (lol,....can u believe that) he's truly become a drama queen.
hubby and i have discussed this several times over, and he feels it's best left...he feels that to confront him will only cause unneccesary fighting but rather to acknowledge in some way the truth of the story and then drop it. for example....bb said he left his wallet/keys at this moms, he's upset he can't get hold of his mom and he has no money left at our place...he was restless, his friends were going to see a movie....he's already spent his christmas money ($300) and the allowance we had given him. hubby offered him $10...but that wasn't enough (bb is 14). hubby said that's all he could offer him, but suggested they bring in the recyclables for some extra cash....bb says great and oh, btw mom has recyclables too. hubby drives over to his ex's thinking the recyclables are on the back porch...then bb is at her front door taking his keys out of his pocket. hubby rolls down the window and says, 'hey, thought you left your keys here'. bb of course says he just found them in his pocket. so instead of saying hey look guys, i've spent all my money and want to go see a movie with my friends, can i get an advance on next weeks allowance, he complicates the situation and starts fibbing.
can anyone tell me why teens do this, i'm finding it more and more irritating :hairpull: bb is a really good kid, with a wonderful heart and it hurts me so to see him and hear him lying...i'm concerned it's a trait that will follow him into the future.
:cry:
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Not sure if this is helpful....but my aunt who is only 9 years older than me......has been a "fibber" since she was small.....she likes drama and being the centre of attention...so she makes up things so people will listen to her.....I guess she wants to be more interesting......we catch her in lies all the time even today...but I don't bother confronting her anymore...she actually believes her own lies........ :D ..we always refer to her as the fantasy girl......she is really nice and loving and wouldn't hurt anybody but she has this need to fib......our family just remembers that what she says we take " with a grain of salt"......we have adapted............ :D
so much for your support!
bb stands for bonus boy...i'm a bm for bonus mom....i so dislike the phrases 'step', and my sister suggested the word bonus...which we feel fits nicely.
i've been giving alot of thought to your ideas and suggestions.
bb and i have a good relationship, he's been in my life for 7 years, half of his life, and i know him well. i suspect he is going through a great deal of growing pains, as mentioned he's by far not your normal kid, as he has always been treated like an adult. in an effort to put myself in his shoes, i can't imagin how difficult it must be. he spends 21/2 days a week with his mom and her husband and the remainder with us...we have different lifestyles, rules etc...and it must be hard for bb to keep up with both. and having an adult like mind in high school, must be challenging for him...he's bright and articulate and gets incredibly good grades.
hubby has always played the roles of both mom/dad, as bb's mom is not the maternal type. i however am very maternal and i love bb as my own. but, there is always a but isn't there...as the eeekk step mom i don't always feel the right to disipline is mine.....i can love, i can share, i can cook, i can clean,i can help with homework, i can help with school projects, i can assist with earning badges from scouts, i can only correct within reason....hubby and i have different ideas on parenting....and i do my best to stand by hubbys desicions...thou it isn't always easy.
hubby doesn't want to cause waves....and i think like many 'broken' families....the parent is always a little afraid, that the child if upset, will run to the other parents house. in my opinion, let him run....cause i know he'll be back....it's not doing the child any favours by letting him get away with stuff, it's teaching him to manipulate.
thanks for the ear ladies.
if you think the doctor route a bit strong, maybe some counselling ?? I do feel that this should be nipped in the bud as it were; I am also concerned that in the same sentence you said he spent $300 since Christmas, and was restles,, couldn't sit down - I am instantly thinkin drugs, don't want to scare you, but the possibility is there. So I don't think you can let this go - do you know what he spent the money on ??
btw, what does bb mean ??
thank you jeep....all i can do is try and steer them right and hope they will make wise choices...........i hear you about the sleepless nights..........i couldnt sleep when i knew they had started with the boyfriend thing but im adjusting to that and my worries will be onto something else. :D
see Cathie, you are not alone......hang in there and get lots of support, he is still young and now is the time to help him out. :)
smiles
janetc
Oh Janet your girls will do just great if you only knew how our boys gave us sleepless nights it is such a good feeling to have them sucessful and happy.
jeep i obsolutely agree with you, it is very scarey when you start to catch them in lies, i know for us it was and at this point it was the little white lies but you worry that it will become larger. I completely agree if it does, like you said that is when the support and help does have to come in. Raising teens is such a scarey time as you have already experienced.....you know you need to let them spread their wings but at the same time it is so worrisome when they are not constantly under your watchful eye that you are so use to. :) When i hear you and others talk about thier grown children and how well they are doing now, it gives us hope that we will make it through. :) Jeep, your nephew you speak of sounds much like my 60 year old uncle, truly sad! he too could have used the help.
smiles
janetc
My point Janet I think the little white lies are a part of growing up but if you feel it is effecting him with his friends and school it is worth addressing and he may have some issues that need to be talked about regarding the breakup of the family. Try to be supportive and get the help he needs. It will help him in many ways.
i do have 3 teens and i think to a certain degree lying can be normal at this age...lets face it, they arent always going to want to be honest with us about what they are up to. :) Recently i have caught my 14 year DD in the odd lye and i did confront her and she did fess up....minor things for us at this point. However, i did give her the big speel on how lying effects us and everyone around us and whole trust issue which will cause her to lose privalages and so on.....because i feel it does need to be addressed before it becomes too big.
On the flip side, i do feel you have reason to be concerned, it sounds as though his lying is becoming out of control Cathie....ecspecially because he is lying to everyone, really does sound like he is having a rough go with some emotions....being a teen is hard. Good luck with him Cathie....i swear to god, we need a license to raise teens! :hairpull:
smiles
janetc
thanks so much for your imput ladies!
sometimes it isn't always easy being a stepmom, this is all still relatively new to me...well, 4 years anyway.
i'm very concerned about bb...his friendships don't last long. i suspect in part, some of his lying is the result. and i think that dawn hit it on the head when she said that some of todays kids don't know how to deal with dissapointment....and bb falls into that catagory...he lacks for nothing. and i know first hand that many of his friends and classmates do.
bb has always been treated as an adult, not as a child...i think he lacks a childs social skills and tends to frown upon kids who don't have the luxuries that he has. we aren't rich, by any stretch, but being an only child, he is spoiled. we try to lead (teach) him through example, we don't lie, cheat steal...are hard working middle class people stuggling with lifes issues as i'm sure we all are. an example of how one of his relationships ended...we thought he'd hit on a longterm friend when we moved....a girl he went to school with lives right around the block...they'd always be on the phone together...she'd come by and hang out. she went on the pip (skipped school) one day, and bb knew this. but on his lunch break he called her mom and asked to speak with her...saying he thought she was home sick. well the **** hit the fan....and the poor girl was grounded for 6 weeks. not saying that i agree with the girl skipping school, but it certainly wasn't bb's place to tattle on her. the friendship died, as you would suspect it would. he thought it was funny. i felt for his friend.
he has never responded in anyway to his parents break up and i wonder if it is coming out now?
I agree with what have said my suggestion with speaking with the Dr is from the way my nephew lies and he believes what he says and I think if they had gotten him help when he was younger he wouldn't be faced with this as an adult. It has caused him to lose jobs family and friends. His started out as little white lies and have developed into life altering lies. I am not saying this will happen to your son but it is worth looking into and seeing if he needs help. I always think it is better to get the help early before it becomes a real problem. I would be very concerned if my 14 year old had spent his Christmas money already and it was as much as yours has spent. Not wanting to confront something will not make it go away. I truly hope you can get him on the straight and it all works out for the best for yourselves and him.
I'm not sure confronting him is the answer, especially if someone utters "LIAR!" and it goes really bad from there. If I were you I might choose to keep my cool, and allow him to find out on his own that you are not one who can be fooled easily. Keep it light, as since you say it's usually fables over silly stuff. In the end, I think you will earn his respect and have an even better relationship because of that. And too, you will help him learn that there are people in this worls who cannot be played with the tall tales. To best illustrate what I mean, there is a teacher at DD's school who is well-liked by most students. When I met him, I could tell immediately through his brief introduction and words to parents in the class that this one is at the top of his game, and for every 'smart' student, he is one notch smarter. In 15 minutes I knew I liked and respected him. If anyone tried the "my dog ate my homework" I can guarantee the OTHER STUDENTS in the class would be the ones rolling their eyes and thinking 'I can't believe he tried that one on Mr. _________'. This teacher, by the way, has an almost understated sense of humour, and through his approach with the kids I am sure he is one of the few out there who is somehow able to get the best work out ot the worst students. He's not the stern/scary type teacher at all.
As far as money goes, it is wise for parents to KNOW what their kid is spending it on. That is more difficult when the parents are living apart, but it should be done. I think your hubby did good by suggesting he work for some extra cash by doing the recycling run-hope they completed that.
On another note, it is my personal opinion that today's kids don't always have ample opportunity at home to learn how to deal with disappointment. Bottom line: there is stuff they will not be able to have, and there are opportunities to go places they will have to pass on sometimes.
I don't have kids so take this as a very non expert perspective, but IMO he's got a few things that could be going on from being insecure (the truth isn't good enough to create the image he wants), to being afraid (of consequences...like already having spent his money and thus getting a lecture on mismanagement of his money), to being manipulative (he got more money out of dad with very little effort).
I guess I don't see this as necessarily bringing on a 'fight' but more of a talk. Plain and simple he needs to know he's caught and how lieing is going to effect his life, his relationships, and his self esteem. He probably doesn't think things through (being male and a teen in particular) so maybe showing him the outcomes of things like this might give him some insights. For instance this last case and what would have been possible had he just fessed up to being broke. He needs to know there might have been alternatives like doing a chore, using the recyclables, being SOL, or whatever. Seems to me you also have to call him out everytime you hear him lieing to you or friends or anyone.
It might be very useful to point out that he's a bad liar so he might as well stop because he is going to be caught everytime anyway.
He also needs to know how you perceive him (and how others will) when you know he lies. Why would you believe he and his buddies are going to a movie or that he would be home at a particular time or anything else when you already know he's lied about the money? Why should you feel comfortable handing him even more money when he obviously can't take care of his wallet or keys (pretending you believed his story)? Either way he comes out a loser.
Had he just come clean all it would have meant is he doesn't know how to budget and that isn't so unusual especially for a kid but the rest of the activities would have come across as above board, no worries as he would have been preceived as telling the truth about where they were going, when they'd be home, and that he does take care of money when he has it.
The bigger issue is of course, he can't be trusted. If he keeps this up he will find his friends vanishing, his parents not willing to let him take on responsibilities, and possibly not being able to work because there won't be anyone who can vouch for his trustworthiness. He has to start seeing how key it is that people can take him at his word and that there is trouble when he breaks his word (and it's way bigger trouble than had he told the truth about something even knowing it was going to cause some consequences).
Mostly it's probably finding out why he feels it's necessary to lie. Seems to me he isn't trusting himself (to handle things) or the people around him in some way so there may be issues that need to be addressed.
Also, if hubby is still willing to give him money and doesn't want to risk a fight even after catching him cold, he may have to get over it and step up. If the kid knows dad is adverse to confrontation then he has figured out how to manipulate him no doubt about it.
BTW, other than farting, what could he be blaming the pets for? ARe they still eating his homework or something?
for the reply jeep. i feel he should be confronted too....with hopes that the lying will stop.
during my bit of research this morning, one mother said she started confronting her kid....which of course resulted in a fight. her comeback was ...'you are a thief'....with the kid then responding 'what? i didn't steal anything!' the mother then responded with 'you have stolen the truth and replaced it with a lie'. that hit the nail on the head for me.
jeep, do you really think this is serious enough to discuss it with our doctor?? i just assumed it was a phase? :o
I don't know why kids lie but at 14 I think he should be confronted on the lies. If he was just a little kid it would seem different but at that age he knows full well what he is doing. I have a nephew that would rather lie than tell the truth and he is 33 years old and it has never stopped. With the money thing he is just working you and if he says he forgot his money you will give him more but he thinks if he says he spent it he won't get any. I would call him out on the lies and not give in of course it will cause problems but in the long run less problems that the lies will. There are people that have a real serious issue with it and I would check it out with the DR.